I'm a bad blogger, but for all the right reasons. These days, I'm so busy living my life that my time to write about it is short...and I would have it no other way.
We are all well. Outstanding, in fact. We have made a transition that a year ago I would have laughed at. We have moved into a space as a family that has some breathing room, some routine and a purpose. We are comfortable with each other and within our individual relationship in a way we have never been. We have become insular in that we seek our comfort, joy and release from each other.
Maybe that sounds weird - like, shouldn't we have been doing that before? But I gotta tell you, we were not. Before I left work, we were too strung out to find joy in each other. We ran at a dead sprint and when we finally got a few minutes to be together without running, we had no clue how to be together. None at all. Every moment was frenzied. Blogging was my outlet - my way of vocalizing my gut fear about what I saw happening and had no way of fixing. Kelly and I couldn't see the solution to the conundrum of our lives because we were so deep into it. And as a result, we lost touch with why we are a family. I think this happens a lot...but in many cases, the outcome is to leave not stay. I'm glad I we chose to stay and make a change that seemed impossible.
That's a convoluted paragraph, loaded with thoughts that seem disjointed. But in reality, it's the summary of what the last five months of my life have been about. This has been a time for our family of reconnection. Reconnection to each other as individuals and as a family. Reconnection in my marriage as my wife and I find each other in the madness and embrace the chaos as our own. Reconnection to ourselves as people. It's also a time of redefinition. We have redifined ourselves as a family and the definition of what we thought we were was erased and rewritten. I have redefined myself as a mother, changing what I thought I would always be (harried, frustrated, pulled apart by competing demands) into the mother I wanted to be (focused and committed). I have redefined my idea of success, my ideas of what being a strong woman means and my role as wife.
And in all of this change, which has always been hard for me, I have found an absolute peace. I know myself better than I ever have. I am not afraid of my weaknesses any more. I can see how I balance them with incredible strength. I trust my gut as a parent and I follow my heart as a wife. I am able to compromise because I can see that doing something differently and letting go of perfect control is not going to derail everything. When you spend all your time trying to maintain basic control of a train out of control, as we did for 2 1/2 years, it's hard to allow any change...because that might derail the whole thing. But inflexibility kills a marriage and destroys the good you might bring to your children. I can see that now.
Space. This is all about space. My mind has space to do what it needs to do. My heart has space to grow where it needs to go. My children have space to be children and find comfort in two parents who are not so distracted by life that they can't parent. Our marriage has space for good days, bad days, glorious moments and terrible moments. All of this has room on the plate.
And we are so much stronger because of it.
Bailey has turned 3 since I last blogged. Three! I didn't blog and for a few days, I felt guilty about it. Except that, for the first time ever, I did not celebrate her birth externally. I celebrated it internally. We celebrated as a family. We had a very small party with her two best friends. We made cupcakes together. We let her be the queen for a day. It was wonderful. Moving.
It was perfect.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Unintentional
Sometimes I look at my kids and I wonder about all of the things they know that we don't realize. I wonder what they see when they see me. I know what I see when I look in the mirror. I have all my little judgements that I make, my own ways of seeing my beauty and my flaws. I see a person I have known for 31 years and I know her.
But what do my children see? They have known me for such a short time. They missed the majority of the life that I have lived and they will only know those years through stories and history that they choose to retain. To them, I am flawless...except for what they know that I don't know. And they know things that I never think about, except in moments like this. My mother's hands were the most important thing to me. Next, was that comfy spot on her chest, just above her breasts, where I laid my head countless times. Her smell. Her voice. The way her eyes crinkle. The "look" that I got when she was disappointed in my behavior. The gentle touch of her hands and the way that her whole body hugged me.
I give these things to my children, without any comprehension of how they are recieved. And honestly, I probably will never know. I mean, I have shared with my mom, but she can never really get it. How do you put into words that which is only a feeling? A subtle knowing that doesn't have a word that can define it?
When I am feeling down or when I feel like a stranger in this body, I think of myself through my children. I imagine myself as their mother, I imagine how my hugs feel. I open my arms and let them pile in, getting as close as they want. I let them touch me - play with my face or hold my hands or tickle my feet. I open myself up to them and learn who I am through them.
These are the gifts of parenting that I cannot define. They are the things that I give them because they are my children and for no other reason. But in giving it, I gain knowledge. I have known a love like no other every time my children fold themselves onto my lap and find comfort in my hugs. I hope, with every piece of my heart, that they know they will always have a place there, on my laps with their heads on my chest. I give them all of me, unintentionally, and I hope they learn what unconditional love feels like.
And then, perhaps I will be lucky enough to see them use that knowledge in their lives. Because I learned what unconditional love felt like from my mother. I learned it from my gut. There was no definition, just a phrase that described what I could only feel. Yet, when I met Kelly, I knew I had found it in another woman and I gave her my heart without question.
There are so many things about parenting that are like that. I wish I had words to describe it so that someday, when the kids read this, they know what I'm talking about. But, just like me, they are likely to never "get it" until they have have their own children. There are some things that you just can't describe. How I love them....that's one of those things I have no words for.
But what do my children see? They have known me for such a short time. They missed the majority of the life that I have lived and they will only know those years through stories and history that they choose to retain. To them, I am flawless...except for what they know that I don't know. And they know things that I never think about, except in moments like this. My mother's hands were the most important thing to me. Next, was that comfy spot on her chest, just above her breasts, where I laid my head countless times. Her smell. Her voice. The way her eyes crinkle. The "look" that I got when she was disappointed in my behavior. The gentle touch of her hands and the way that her whole body hugged me.
I give these things to my children, without any comprehension of how they are recieved. And honestly, I probably will never know. I mean, I have shared with my mom, but she can never really get it. How do you put into words that which is only a feeling? A subtle knowing that doesn't have a word that can define it?
When I am feeling down or when I feel like a stranger in this body, I think of myself through my children. I imagine myself as their mother, I imagine how my hugs feel. I open my arms and let them pile in, getting as close as they want. I let them touch me - play with my face or hold my hands or tickle my feet. I open myself up to them and learn who I am through them.
These are the gifts of parenting that I cannot define. They are the things that I give them because they are my children and for no other reason. But in giving it, I gain knowledge. I have known a love like no other every time my children fold themselves onto my lap and find comfort in my hugs. I hope, with every piece of my heart, that they know they will always have a place there, on my laps with their heads on my chest. I give them all of me, unintentionally, and I hope they learn what unconditional love feels like.
And then, perhaps I will be lucky enough to see them use that knowledge in their lives. Because I learned what unconditional love felt like from my mother. I learned it from my gut. There was no definition, just a phrase that described what I could only feel. Yet, when I met Kelly, I knew I had found it in another woman and I gave her my heart without question.
There are so many things about parenting that are like that. I wish I had words to describe it so that someday, when the kids read this, they know what I'm talking about. But, just like me, they are likely to never "get it" until they have have their own children. There are some things that you just can't describe. How I love them....that's one of those things I have no words for.
Friday, April 23, 2010
31
I'm going to be 31 tomorrow. When I was in my early 20's I told myself that if I hadn't gotten around to having children by the time I was 33, I would do it - regardless of if I was alone or not. I was going to be a Momma and that was my time limit on waiting for the "perfect" time.
Now, I'm 31 and I have a 3 year old and a 13 month old. It feels strange to me. This birthday is the first time in my life - my entire life - that I've actually contemplated the fact that I am getting older. Older. It's weird. It feels wierd to me. I thought the other day about wrinkles. Do I have them? When will I get them? I use this Mary Kay Timewise facial system that is supposed to help keep wrinkles away. I've never actually thought about that - it was just something that I used. Not for any reason. But are wrinkles really coming?
I haven't spent any time in front of the mirror looking for them. Yet. And I won't care if I do have some wrinkles starting. I am not afraid or weird about getting older - just having a wierd perspective thing this year.
Most days, I don't feel like somebody's mother. I mean, I feel like Bailey and Connor's Momma...but in the three-steps removed sense of being "someone's Mom"...I don't feel that. I am still a party-girl at heart. I am still young and I still "dream" about when I get older. I have plans much like I did when I was 21. I don't feel like I've changed much since then. Kelly might give you a totally different story. She's known me since I was 18...she's probably got a better perspective.
At what age do you start to feel your age? I mean, does that ever happen or are we perpetually about 10-15 years behind the curve? Is that why so many people die without really feeling like they are ready for life to be over? Does it take being 100 to finally feel 85 (which is the age that I feel like you are "old")?
Weird. I feel wierd.
My children are a marker for me. My marriage is a marker for me. My possessions and the things we have accumulated are a marker for me. Time is passing, and yet my head and my heart tell me that time is moving much slower than it actually is. Does that make any sense at all? I don't feel like I'm making sense.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm like "who the fuck are you???" Not in a regret-I-haven't-lived-my-life kind of way. It's more like WAIT...when did you grow up? Where was I???? How is it that you are a suburban house-wife with a home and two kids and two cars and cats and bills and responsibility and a college degree and a checking account and a weekly grocery list and a must-have cup of coffee in the morning? When did that happen?
I guess it's just a matter of reconciling. And a lot of the time, I just have no time to reconcile. I don't get a lot of time to sit and ponder where I'm going, who I've become or what I'm doing next. The needs of my life are much less intellectual and much more immediate. And that is all good. No problems with that. Honestly, I'm happy. But it leaves me in moments like this where I look around my life and wonder if I am an imposter in somebody else's world because I can't remember how this dream took shape and when it got created. It's a snowball and I am wrapped up most of the time at the dead center of it...not outside of it, seeing how much snow has been collected while it was barrelling down the hill.
So this is me. 31. At some point I'm gonna need to sit down with a cup of coffee and just think about that. But not now. There are diapers to change, meals to cook, dolls to fish out of the fridge where my son has left them, and a play date to get to.
Now, I'm 31 and I have a 3 year old and a 13 month old. It feels strange to me. This birthday is the first time in my life - my entire life - that I've actually contemplated the fact that I am getting older. Older. It's weird. It feels wierd to me. I thought the other day about wrinkles. Do I have them? When will I get them? I use this Mary Kay Timewise facial system that is supposed to help keep wrinkles away. I've never actually thought about that - it was just something that I used. Not for any reason. But are wrinkles really coming?
I haven't spent any time in front of the mirror looking for them. Yet. And I won't care if I do have some wrinkles starting. I am not afraid or weird about getting older - just having a wierd perspective thing this year.
Most days, I don't feel like somebody's mother. I mean, I feel like Bailey and Connor's Momma...but in the three-steps removed sense of being "someone's Mom"...I don't feel that. I am still a party-girl at heart. I am still young and I still "dream" about when I get older. I have plans much like I did when I was 21. I don't feel like I've changed much since then. Kelly might give you a totally different story. She's known me since I was 18...she's probably got a better perspective.
At what age do you start to feel your age? I mean, does that ever happen or are we perpetually about 10-15 years behind the curve? Is that why so many people die without really feeling like they are ready for life to be over? Does it take being 100 to finally feel 85 (which is the age that I feel like you are "old")?
Weird. I feel wierd.
My children are a marker for me. My marriage is a marker for me. My possessions and the things we have accumulated are a marker for me. Time is passing, and yet my head and my heart tell me that time is moving much slower than it actually is. Does that make any sense at all? I don't feel like I'm making sense.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm like "who the fuck are you???" Not in a regret-I-haven't-lived-my-life kind of way. It's more like WAIT...when did you grow up? Where was I???? How is it that you are a suburban house-wife with a home and two kids and two cars and cats and bills and responsibility and a college degree and a checking account and a weekly grocery list and a must-have cup of coffee in the morning? When did that happen?
I guess it's just a matter of reconciling. And a lot of the time, I just have no time to reconcile. I don't get a lot of time to sit and ponder where I'm going, who I've become or what I'm doing next. The needs of my life are much less intellectual and much more immediate. And that is all good. No problems with that. Honestly, I'm happy. But it leaves me in moments like this where I look around my life and wonder if I am an imposter in somebody else's world because I can't remember how this dream took shape and when it got created. It's a snowball and I am wrapped up most of the time at the dead center of it...not outside of it, seeing how much snow has been collected while it was barrelling down the hill.
So this is me. 31. At some point I'm gonna need to sit down with a cup of coffee and just think about that. But not now. There are diapers to change, meals to cook, dolls to fish out of the fridge where my son has left them, and a play date to get to.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Normalcy
Well hello! Not sure if I have any readers left...it's been a very long time since I blogged last. The thing of it is that my life doesn't seem all that blog-worthy right now. For all the right reasons.
Things are...in a word...normal. I have adjusted fully to doing this stay at home mom thing. It's reached the point where I'm slightly bored with it, but I can't imagine doing anything else. It feels like my days as a working mother are a distant, and not pleasant, memory and I'm glad they are over. I have the utmost respect for people who are able to find a balance that works - I wasn't. I needed this in a way that I was unable to articulate while I was trying to balance it. My heart is with my children and my sense of responsibility to them outweigh everything else. Everything. They are the beginning and the end of what I feel like is important right now. My family, and all the work of taking care of them, is the only thing I care about so it just feels natural that it is what I do. The newness has worn off, but the happiness has not. I am not riding a cloud of shock and surprise (that this has worked), but I when the kids start to wake up every morning, it makes me smile from the center of my soul. I have not lost the sense that I am doing the only thing that would make sense right now - I am still 100% certain that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. And I am infinately grateful that this opportunity exists for me. Many people who would make the choice we have made are not able - a fact that doesn't escape me and one that I am truly grateful for every day.
Kelly is working her ass off trying to juggle everything. I know that she struggles when she comes home, if the kids have had a bad day. I am always a bit more anxious to have the "break" on those days and she is equally anxious for a "break" from her long day. That part hasn't changed. Evenings are still a bit rough on both of us - but I think that is universal when you have kids the ages of ours. Work for her is busy right now and she is working hard to catch up after spending a couple of years focused on being pregnant and then having a young, breast-feeding infant at home. This is really the first time since she got pregnant that she has been able to really start putting her energy back into work full-time and she is feeling it. I try to make life easier at home, but I can't escape the fact that I am human and my day job is difficult. We are working together in a way that we never have, though...making this work because we both believe in what we are doing strongly. There is a new respect between us that really hasn't existed before. Maybe this is the way that marriage evolve - it's been a bit of a rocky road getting to the place where we are, but much of the old stuff from our before-kids life has stripped away and we are building something from what is left. The process, while painful for us both in different ways, has been good and will be the marriage that carries us through this part of our lives. It's funny how, in a long-term relationship, you forget that things will need to be rebuilt and built again every time your life goes through massive change. I had gotten very comfortable in our pre-kids life. I just sort of imagined that we would never be different than that and so the shock of finding that we changed with kids consuming our time was difficult. And, of course, I hate change and almost always respond negatively to it. But change we have, and the foundation of love and friendship that has sustained us since we began has worked its magic once again. We are building the life that we will share for the next 10-15 years. When the kids are teenagers and start to truly pull away as they make their own way in the world, I suspect this will happen in a major way again. I feel more committeed and prepared to deal with that, and for all the little ways we'll change in the next few years, than I ever have. There is nobody else that I would take this journey with.
Bailey is growing up so fast. She will be 3 in just a few weeks. I can't believe we've made it to 3...and so friggin quickly! She has mastered potty training. She wears a pullup while she is sleeping, and still goes to the bathroom in it, but during her waking hours, she is a potty-trained girl. I'm cool with the pullup at night. When she's ready, we'll work on getting rid of it. Potty training was easy...we didn't do anything and she did it on her own. I'm cool with that. It happened later than I thought - closer to 3 than to 2, but whatever.
She adore her brother. Adores him. Between her and Kelly, I'm not sure that Connor will ever want for anything or be properly disaplinced. I seem to be the only woman in this house who can deal with his tears and, for his part, he has figured that out. He knows that I am the one he's got to watch out for when he's doing something "bad". He looks for me when he's about to committ an infraction - and when I catch him, he knows he's in trouble. As soon as the tears start, Bailey is right there, hugging and singing to him. She seems to count it as a personal victory when she is able to stop his tears (which is most of the time). She tells him to "calm down" and "it'll be alright" and pats his back. I try to hold the tough-girl line and make his punishment stick, but even I get a bit weak when they both turn their eyes on me. They team up in many situations, making me laugh and sigh at the same time. I am so glad that they like each other. It seems that their relationship will be the best kind of sibling relationship - loving, caring, friendly and mildly competative.
For the stats - Bailey is very advanced in her development still, but it is starting to slow down a bit. She has mastered the alphabet through letter G - which is to say that she can identify A-G in a bunch of random letters. The other letters are still sketchy, but we are working on it. Same for numbers 1-10. She knows her numbers through 20, but always misses 15. Not sure why. We have started working on tracing numbers and letters. My goal for her is to send her off to pre-school next September (2011) knowing how to write her name and being able to identify all her numbers and letters. She knows all her shapes, all the colors, she can compare opposites, she can pick out the "what picture is different" in a series. She can put together complicated puzzles without a picture to work from. She reads a lot, making up stories using the pictures. Her memory is fantastic - read a book to her one time and she remembers the story. This is good - rote memorization is so much of public education. She can count - give her a group of things and she can tell you how many, using her fingers to point to each object. We have not yet started on basic math skills, but the foundation is there.
She is big for her age - she's wearing size 5 pants (not 5T...just 5) and 4T shirts. It's weird - the reason she is wearing size 5 pants is because the girl has ASS! Seriously - she's got a full, juicy bottom. It must have come from the donor, because mine is...well...not that. So, we end up cinching the waist of her pants so they don't fall down and rolling them up twice, just so the pants will fit her bottom and her hips. She is skinny - but not in that tiny-girl way. She's got a pretty muscular body and she is tall. Of course, we'll get her official stats at her 3 year old well-baby check up, but we think she weighs right around 36-37 pounds.
Connor is a different beast all together. Where Bailey was always easily distracted, Connor is as focused as a laser when he wants something. He fixates on what he wants, trying method after method to get it. He's sharp - smart - hard to distract. Often, the only thing that will break his determination to get something or do something is outright scolding and physical prevention. Which leads to complete meltdown. It must be very frustrating for him. A good example are the chairs. Connor loves to sit in chairs. We have two kid-sized tables. One downstairs where I often feed them breakfast and lunch and a second princess table up in Bailey's room. Both have two chairs. And both command his fascination and attention. But it's not just that he wants to sit in the chairs - he wants to stand. And once he determined that this is what he wanted to do, there was no stopping the child. He figured out how to do it quickly and then came the process of trying 100 times to make it happen. Of course, it's not safe for him to be standing on little chairs. Not only is it just bad practice, but those little chairs are not balanced and he'll fall over (which would suck). So, in comes Mommy and Momma to stop him from doing it. Over and over and over and over and over again. He never gives up. Every time he tries. Every time we stop him. Every time we stop him, he throws a fit, only stopping the fit when he gets back to the chair and starts to stand up again. It's maddening!!!!! He is so persistant it's ridiculous. And he gets so, unbelievably angry when he is prevented from getting his way. Seriously - he's miserable. He throws fits the same way. He does everything the same way. He's persistant. He finds something and just keeps at it, over and over again, until he's mastered it or accomplished it or whatever. No amount of distraction will work. He's focused. Laser-focused.
His stats - he's right on track. In almost every way, Connor is "average". LOL - it feels like saying that is almost an insult, but honestly, it's actually a bit of a relief. With Bailey, the task has always been providing her with ways to use her skills safely - when she's only 3, but smart enough to be 4, it's hard to find activities that are suitable. Connor is exactly opposite that. He's developing just as expected of his age. He's just over 13 months and he's saying a few words (Momma, Mommy, Bailey, Pitter, Ball, No) but communicating in other ways as well. He points, he grunts, he "shows". He has 7 teeth - three of which just came in last week. He's physically the size that should be expected - wearing 18 month clothes with some 24 months thrown in for good measure. He's sleeping through the night, but still waking around 4-5 AM for a bottle, then back to bed for a few hours. He's still drinking breast milk - about 10-15 ounces a day. He's a particularly finicky eater - if it's not "firm", he won't eat it. He is a carb-boy - he prefers bread to just about anything. He refuses all forms of fruit and veggies. Just flat out won't touch them. He'll eat pasta, sandwiches, chicken nuggets, waffles, pancakes, mac and cheese (are you seeing the trend??). It tough because I feel like he's not getting what he needs, but our doctor has reminded me what I already knew - you can't force a child his age to eat anything. He's begun using a fork and/or spoon at every meal. He knows how to use it, but most of the time just holds it and eats with his fingers. But we provide it to get the habit started. He sits for one book at a time, not really paying attention yet. But, when he wants to pay attention to something, nothing can break his concentration. He plays indepependantly in a way that Bailey never did (and still doesn't). He will go off for a half hour at a time and amuse himself in the playroom. He is comfortable being alone - and other than the occassional "check-in", he is a pretty independant child. He loses his shit completely when he's hungry or tired, though. Late afternoons, right before dinner, are particularly rough with him. He doesn't deal well with the combination of hunger and starting to get tired. Dinner around here is at between 5 and 5:30 and starting at around 4, he's hard to take. He's clingy and whiny, but gets angry when you interact with him. Poor kid. He's a drama-boy, just like I've always wanted. Nothing with him is light - he's pretty hardcore about everything. But, he's so sweet that it's easy to overlook.
Well, this has gotten very long and the kids are going to wake up. I'm off for now! More later...
Things are...in a word...normal. I have adjusted fully to doing this stay at home mom thing. It's reached the point where I'm slightly bored with it, but I can't imagine doing anything else. It feels like my days as a working mother are a distant, and not pleasant, memory and I'm glad they are over. I have the utmost respect for people who are able to find a balance that works - I wasn't. I needed this in a way that I was unable to articulate while I was trying to balance it. My heart is with my children and my sense of responsibility to them outweigh everything else. Everything. They are the beginning and the end of what I feel like is important right now. My family, and all the work of taking care of them, is the only thing I care about so it just feels natural that it is what I do. The newness has worn off, but the happiness has not. I am not riding a cloud of shock and surprise (that this has worked), but I when the kids start to wake up every morning, it makes me smile from the center of my soul. I have not lost the sense that I am doing the only thing that would make sense right now - I am still 100% certain that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. And I am infinately grateful that this opportunity exists for me. Many people who would make the choice we have made are not able - a fact that doesn't escape me and one that I am truly grateful for every day.
Kelly is working her ass off trying to juggle everything. I know that she struggles when she comes home, if the kids have had a bad day. I am always a bit more anxious to have the "break" on those days and she is equally anxious for a "break" from her long day. That part hasn't changed. Evenings are still a bit rough on both of us - but I think that is universal when you have kids the ages of ours. Work for her is busy right now and she is working hard to catch up after spending a couple of years focused on being pregnant and then having a young, breast-feeding infant at home. This is really the first time since she got pregnant that she has been able to really start putting her energy back into work full-time and she is feeling it. I try to make life easier at home, but I can't escape the fact that I am human and my day job is difficult. We are working together in a way that we never have, though...making this work because we both believe in what we are doing strongly. There is a new respect between us that really hasn't existed before. Maybe this is the way that marriage evolve - it's been a bit of a rocky road getting to the place where we are, but much of the old stuff from our before-kids life has stripped away and we are building something from what is left. The process, while painful for us both in different ways, has been good and will be the marriage that carries us through this part of our lives. It's funny how, in a long-term relationship, you forget that things will need to be rebuilt and built again every time your life goes through massive change. I had gotten very comfortable in our pre-kids life. I just sort of imagined that we would never be different than that and so the shock of finding that we changed with kids consuming our time was difficult. And, of course, I hate change and almost always respond negatively to it. But change we have, and the foundation of love and friendship that has sustained us since we began has worked its magic once again. We are building the life that we will share for the next 10-15 years. When the kids are teenagers and start to truly pull away as they make their own way in the world, I suspect this will happen in a major way again. I feel more committeed and prepared to deal with that, and for all the little ways we'll change in the next few years, than I ever have. There is nobody else that I would take this journey with.
Bailey is growing up so fast. She will be 3 in just a few weeks. I can't believe we've made it to 3...and so friggin quickly! She has mastered potty training. She wears a pullup while she is sleeping, and still goes to the bathroom in it, but during her waking hours, she is a potty-trained girl. I'm cool with the pullup at night. When she's ready, we'll work on getting rid of it. Potty training was easy...we didn't do anything and she did it on her own. I'm cool with that. It happened later than I thought - closer to 3 than to 2, but whatever.
She adore her brother. Adores him. Between her and Kelly, I'm not sure that Connor will ever want for anything or be properly disaplinced. I seem to be the only woman in this house who can deal with his tears and, for his part, he has figured that out. He knows that I am the one he's got to watch out for when he's doing something "bad". He looks for me when he's about to committ an infraction - and when I catch him, he knows he's in trouble. As soon as the tears start, Bailey is right there, hugging and singing to him. She seems to count it as a personal victory when she is able to stop his tears (which is most of the time). She tells him to "calm down" and "it'll be alright" and pats his back. I try to hold the tough-girl line and make his punishment stick, but even I get a bit weak when they both turn their eyes on me. They team up in many situations, making me laugh and sigh at the same time. I am so glad that they like each other. It seems that their relationship will be the best kind of sibling relationship - loving, caring, friendly and mildly competative.
For the stats - Bailey is very advanced in her development still, but it is starting to slow down a bit. She has mastered the alphabet through letter G - which is to say that she can identify A-G in a bunch of random letters. The other letters are still sketchy, but we are working on it. Same for numbers 1-10. She knows her numbers through 20, but always misses 15. Not sure why. We have started working on tracing numbers and letters. My goal for her is to send her off to pre-school next September (2011) knowing how to write her name and being able to identify all her numbers and letters. She knows all her shapes, all the colors, she can compare opposites, she can pick out the "what picture is different" in a series. She can put together complicated puzzles without a picture to work from. She reads a lot, making up stories using the pictures. Her memory is fantastic - read a book to her one time and she remembers the story. This is good - rote memorization is so much of public education. She can count - give her a group of things and she can tell you how many, using her fingers to point to each object. We have not yet started on basic math skills, but the foundation is there.
She is big for her age - she's wearing size 5 pants (not 5T...just 5) and 4T shirts. It's weird - the reason she is wearing size 5 pants is because the girl has ASS! Seriously - she's got a full, juicy bottom. It must have come from the donor, because mine is...well...not that. So, we end up cinching the waist of her pants so they don't fall down and rolling them up twice, just so the pants will fit her bottom and her hips. She is skinny - but not in that tiny-girl way. She's got a pretty muscular body and she is tall. Of course, we'll get her official stats at her 3 year old well-baby check up, but we think she weighs right around 36-37 pounds.
Connor is a different beast all together. Where Bailey was always easily distracted, Connor is as focused as a laser when he wants something. He fixates on what he wants, trying method after method to get it. He's sharp - smart - hard to distract. Often, the only thing that will break his determination to get something or do something is outright scolding and physical prevention. Which leads to complete meltdown. It must be very frustrating for him. A good example are the chairs. Connor loves to sit in chairs. We have two kid-sized tables. One downstairs where I often feed them breakfast and lunch and a second princess table up in Bailey's room. Both have two chairs. And both command his fascination and attention. But it's not just that he wants to sit in the chairs - he wants to stand. And once he determined that this is what he wanted to do, there was no stopping the child. He figured out how to do it quickly and then came the process of trying 100 times to make it happen. Of course, it's not safe for him to be standing on little chairs. Not only is it just bad practice, but those little chairs are not balanced and he'll fall over (which would suck). So, in comes Mommy and Momma to stop him from doing it. Over and over and over and over and over again. He never gives up. Every time he tries. Every time we stop him. Every time we stop him, he throws a fit, only stopping the fit when he gets back to the chair and starts to stand up again. It's maddening!!!!! He is so persistant it's ridiculous. And he gets so, unbelievably angry when he is prevented from getting his way. Seriously - he's miserable. He throws fits the same way. He does everything the same way. He's persistant. He finds something and just keeps at it, over and over again, until he's mastered it or accomplished it or whatever. No amount of distraction will work. He's focused. Laser-focused.
His stats - he's right on track. In almost every way, Connor is "average". LOL - it feels like saying that is almost an insult, but honestly, it's actually a bit of a relief. With Bailey, the task has always been providing her with ways to use her skills safely - when she's only 3, but smart enough to be 4, it's hard to find activities that are suitable. Connor is exactly opposite that. He's developing just as expected of his age. He's just over 13 months and he's saying a few words (Momma, Mommy, Bailey, Pitter, Ball, No) but communicating in other ways as well. He points, he grunts, he "shows". He has 7 teeth - three of which just came in last week. He's physically the size that should be expected - wearing 18 month clothes with some 24 months thrown in for good measure. He's sleeping through the night, but still waking around 4-5 AM for a bottle, then back to bed for a few hours. He's still drinking breast milk - about 10-15 ounces a day. He's a particularly finicky eater - if it's not "firm", he won't eat it. He is a carb-boy - he prefers bread to just about anything. He refuses all forms of fruit and veggies. Just flat out won't touch them. He'll eat pasta, sandwiches, chicken nuggets, waffles, pancakes, mac and cheese (are you seeing the trend??). It tough because I feel like he's not getting what he needs, but our doctor has reminded me what I already knew - you can't force a child his age to eat anything. He's begun using a fork and/or spoon at every meal. He knows how to use it, but most of the time just holds it and eats with his fingers. But we provide it to get the habit started. He sits for one book at a time, not really paying attention yet. But, when he wants to pay attention to something, nothing can break his concentration. He plays indepependantly in a way that Bailey never did (and still doesn't). He will go off for a half hour at a time and amuse himself in the playroom. He is comfortable being alone - and other than the occassional "check-in", he is a pretty independant child. He loses his shit completely when he's hungry or tired, though. Late afternoons, right before dinner, are particularly rough with him. He doesn't deal well with the combination of hunger and starting to get tired. Dinner around here is at between 5 and 5:30 and starting at around 4, he's hard to take. He's clingy and whiny, but gets angry when you interact with him. Poor kid. He's a drama-boy, just like I've always wanted. Nothing with him is light - he's pretty hardcore about everything. But, he's so sweet that it's easy to overlook.
Well, this has gotten very long and the kids are going to wake up. I'm off for now! More later...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Flexible
Prior to being a stay at home Momma, our life was scheduled completely. Down to the minute. I mean, literally. Everything we did had a time and a length and we were good at sticking with it. The kids did well in the schedule - they knew what to expect and when to expect it.
For the most part, our life is still highly organized, but it is much less scheduled. I am working on flexibility - with the kids, but mostly with myself.
See, I love a good schedule. I really am a very organized person. When I was a childless person. I was more spontaneous...but I still thrived in a sense of normalcy. When Bailey came along, I had so much to learn and juggle. We just trended toward our most comfortable way of life - that scheduled, predictable one. Trying to make 40 hours of work fit into 24 hours required it.
I am trying things differently (a bit) these days. I let the kids dictate ouir schedule and I don't shy away from events that will throw off the schedule. I will take them into the city or drive an hour for an event without batting an eye. I come prepared and just let the day develop as it wants to.
It's not easy for me...but I hope that I am teaching my kids how to be more resilient and less reliant on complete predictability.
For the most part, our life is still highly organized, but it is much less scheduled. I am working on flexibility - with the kids, but mostly with myself.
See, I love a good schedule. I really am a very organized person. When I was a childless person. I was more spontaneous...but I still thrived in a sense of normalcy. When Bailey came along, I had so much to learn and juggle. We just trended toward our most comfortable way of life - that scheduled, predictable one. Trying to make 40 hours of work fit into 24 hours required it.
I am trying things differently (a bit) these days. I let the kids dictate ouir schedule and I don't shy away from events that will throw off the schedule. I will take them into the city or drive an hour for an event without batting an eye. I come prepared and just let the day develop as it wants to.
It's not easy for me...but I hope that I am teaching my kids how to be more resilient and less reliant on complete predictability.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My Weakness
I can deal with most of the crap of parenting. I have philosophies and tools to deal with temper tantrums, aggression, yelling, etc. It isn't always easy to deal with, but at least there is a corrective course of action. What I can't deal with is not sleeping.
With Bailey, I tolerated it until she was 7 months old and then I pushed cry it out hard and she was sleeping through the night within a week. Very shortly after that, life was so improved we got pregnant again. What Connor taught me is that sleep isn't subject to a "method". He did not respond at all to cry it out, no matter how hard I pushed it. Connor required something that was extremely hard for me to give - time and patience. He started sleeping through the night about 3 weeks ago, right around his first birthday. It really wasn't a gradual process...just one day he stopped waking up and started sleeping a solid 12 hours before waking.
I was elated!!! The improvement in my life is without compare.
So you can imagine my horror when he stopped for 3 nights and started waking up 3, 4 and 5 times a night.
Let me just tell you - I don't need much sleep. 5 hours is enough, provided those 5 hours are uninterrupted. But if I am woken up during those 5 hours, it's as if I got no sleep at all. So, for days it was as if I hadn't slept. I took him to the doctor's yesterday just to check. Make sure nothing was wrong. They told me he is fine.
We put him to bed last night around 7:30. So far, he's not woken up.
And I got my solid 5 hours. Thank god.
With Bailey, I tolerated it until she was 7 months old and then I pushed cry it out hard and she was sleeping through the night within a week. Very shortly after that, life was so improved we got pregnant again. What Connor taught me is that sleep isn't subject to a "method". He did not respond at all to cry it out, no matter how hard I pushed it. Connor required something that was extremely hard for me to give - time and patience. He started sleeping through the night about 3 weeks ago, right around his first birthday. It really wasn't a gradual process...just one day he stopped waking up and started sleeping a solid 12 hours before waking.
I was elated!!! The improvement in my life is without compare.
So you can imagine my horror when he stopped for 3 nights and started waking up 3, 4 and 5 times a night.
Let me just tell you - I don't need much sleep. 5 hours is enough, provided those 5 hours are uninterrupted. But if I am woken up during those 5 hours, it's as if I got no sleep at all. So, for days it was as if I hadn't slept. I took him to the doctor's yesterday just to check. Make sure nothing was wrong. They told me he is fine.
We put him to bed last night around 7:30. So far, he's not woken up.
And I got my solid 5 hours. Thank god.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Our Marriage
A while back, Kelly asked me not to discuss our marriage in public spaces. Out of respect for her, I have tried not to mention anything - good or bad - about us. In my post this morning, I said that my marriage was still a source of struggle and she commented that people must think we are close to divorce.
Which couldn't be further from the truth.
Kelly and I have traveled a long, bumpy road together. The relationship that has emerged is from years of loving each other despite all odds to the contrary is remarkably strong and resilient.
Parenting has been easy for us. Learning to love each other as parents has been a struggle. We give 100% to parenting, and there is little left over. We work on putting it together, but it is such a far departure from the couple we were before children, when for years our entire life together was about being together.
But, our vow to each other is strong and I have no doubt that we will come through and see the other side of this. We are best friends. We have a foundation built like a nuclear bunker. We might have rough patches...and sometimes we may feel like we are in a never-ending patch...but we are ALwAYS in it together.
Which couldn't be further from the truth.
Kelly and I have traveled a long, bumpy road together. The relationship that has emerged is from years of loving each other despite all odds to the contrary is remarkably strong and resilient.
Parenting has been easy for us. Learning to love each other as parents has been a struggle. We give 100% to parenting, and there is little left over. We work on putting it together, but it is such a far departure from the couple we were before children, when for years our entire life together was about being together.
But, our vow to each other is strong and I have no doubt that we will come through and see the other side of this. We are best friends. We have a foundation built like a nuclear bunker. We might have rough patches...and sometimes we may feel like we are in a never-ending patch...but we are ALwAYS in it together.
Potty Trained!
So, a week ago (Thursday of last week), Bailey decided that she was ready to be potty trained! Her diapers no longer fit her and she was ready to wear panties. And so she put the panties on and hasn't looked back. She's had three accidents. Those happened in the first 3 days. One of them was when I forgot to put a pullup on her during nap. She peed her bed. The other two were about not wanting to stop her activity. She is pooping without drama on the potty. She has used public toilets, gone on hour long car trips, and tells me whenever she needs help. She just doesn't struggle with this. She was ready and she did it on her own. I am a support player in this adventure. Pullups still while she is sleeping, but she knows that when she starts using her potty at night (it is in her room with her), she will be able to start wearing panties. When she is ready...
We are unbelievably proud of our baby girl...
I find myself being so amazed these days. I never thought that I could be this happy doing this job. I just wouldn't have believed it if you had told me that I would be good at this or that I would find a sense of peace. Really, I can't believe it took me so long to make this change. I have never been more confident as a woman or mother. This hasn't been the magic cure for all of the normal stressors. My marriage is still a source of struggle and there is all the normal stress of parenting two young children. But my relationship with me has seen such a dramatic improvement that I feel like a different person. I always carried around so much guilt and doubt. I wondered all the time if I was doing the right thing and I felt like I didn't really know my children. I cared for them, but the hour a day that they were in my direct care wasn't enough to build that deep knowledge of who these two people are. I also didn't know me. I knew that I wanted this, but I was so convinced that I couldn't do it. I was so afraid of failure that I
didn't allow myself to believe that I was capable. The dramatic effect that self-doubt had on my self-confidence as a woman and a mother was so damaging.
But that is over now. I have never been stronger in my role of Momma to these children. I trust myself and my instincts completely with them. Two months into this, and I know them so well they are almost like part of my brain. Because I am with them all the time, I carry no guilt when it's time to be a hardass. I am able to set boundaries and expectations for behavior and enforce them, know that 15 minutes later, when the storm has passed, I still have all day to be with them. We have such a good thing going.
I feel so blessed!
We are unbelievably proud of our baby girl...
I find myself being so amazed these days. I never thought that I could be this happy doing this job. I just wouldn't have believed it if you had told me that I would be good at this or that I would find a sense of peace. Really, I can't believe it took me so long to make this change. I have never been more confident as a woman or mother. This hasn't been the magic cure for all of the normal stressors. My marriage is still a source of struggle and there is all the normal stress of parenting two young children. But my relationship with me has seen such a dramatic improvement that I feel like a different person. I always carried around so much guilt and doubt. I wondered all the time if I was doing the right thing and I felt like I didn't really know my children. I cared for them, but the hour a day that they were in my direct care wasn't enough to build that deep knowledge of who these two people are. I also didn't know me. I knew that I wanted this, but I was so convinced that I couldn't do it. I was so afraid of failure that I
didn't allow myself to believe that I was capable. The dramatic effect that self-doubt had on my self-confidence as a woman and a mother was so damaging.
But that is over now. I have never been stronger in my role of Momma to these children. I trust myself and my instincts completely with them. Two months into this, and I know them so well they are almost like part of my brain. Because I am with them all the time, I carry no guilt when it's time to be a hardass. I am able to set boundaries and expectations for behavior and enforce them, know that 15 minutes later, when the storm has passed, I still have all day to be with them. We have such a good thing going.
I feel so blessed!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Brick Wall
That's how I visualize myself when I'm having to enforce boundaries, rules, and expectations with our kids. I see the behavior and I visualize myself as the brick wall between it and the kids. On the other side of the wall is the outcome of the bad behavior and on this side is Bailey or Connor. I decide where the line is and then erect the wall. This allows me to (attempt) to stay strong in the face of whatever reaction my kids may have when coming up against that brick wall.
I don't expect them to not be human. I expect them to feel out the boundaries and try to breech them. I know that they will experience frustration and anger when they can't get their way. When they freak out, I try to picture myself as a teflon pan - nothing sticks, it all slides off me.
Of course, it doesn't work all the time. Some days it doesn't work at all. God, it's hard sometimes. Now that there are two of them pushing the rules all the time, and the various fits, frustrations and consequences...it's exhausting. And I feel like I spend all my time being a hardass. But, I don't feel like there is room for error. I really believe that kids need strong boundaries. I don't feel like they are developed enough to set them on their own, and that we are the only thing between them and complete anarchy.
Dramatic, I know. But, when I get lax, the two of them go Lord of the Flies on me.
I'll be happy when we've gotten them both through 3. And then, we can begin preparing for pre-teen...
I don't expect them to not be human. I expect them to feel out the boundaries and try to breech them. I know that they will experience frustration and anger when they can't get their way. When they freak out, I try to picture myself as a teflon pan - nothing sticks, it all slides off me.
Of course, it doesn't work all the time. Some days it doesn't work at all. God, it's hard sometimes. Now that there are two of them pushing the rules all the time, and the various fits, frustrations and consequences...it's exhausting. And I feel like I spend all my time being a hardass. But, I don't feel like there is room for error. I really believe that kids need strong boundaries. I don't feel like they are developed enough to set them on their own, and that we are the only thing between them and complete anarchy.
Dramatic, I know. But, when I get lax, the two of them go Lord of the Flies on me.
I'll be happy when we've gotten them both through 3. And then, we can begin preparing for pre-teen...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Responsibility
You know, I didn't care much when I was a woman who worked outside the home. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed doing a good job at work and being a critical member of whatever team I was on at the time. My last job - as BD Coordinator - was the most difficult for me because the work was NOT great for me. But, again, I didn't care all that much. My job was just what I did to pay the bills. It was a means to an end.
But this job of mine - Chief Caretaker of My Children - is something I care very deeply about. The outcome rests almost completely in my court. If I fuck them up, well...it's MY fault. I get overwhelmed by that awesome responsibility whenever I think about it too much. If you know me, you know that doing something half-assed or being less than the best is really hard for me. My expectations of myself are astronomically high. I expect and require near perfection from me, and when I am unable to meet that expectation, I better be able to say that I gave it 100% and tried as hard as I could.
The problem is that parenting just doesn't work that way. It's NOT a neatly typed job description with clear tasks and detailed critical skills. It is messy and imperfect. My "evaluation" isn't written on a piece of paper and there is no manager telling me if I am doing my job and where I could improve. It all falls to me.
I'm not sure what my point is, except that every day I wake up and try to make the best possible decisions I can for my children. And every day I have successes and failures. On days like yesterday, when my son spent hours whiny and on the floor throwing fits, I question if I am doing this right. But then, he masters some new skill or launches himself into my arms, and I think maybe I am not fucking it up. Bailey came over to me the other day and nestled herself into my arms, rested her head on my breast and wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me into her hug. She looked up at me and said "I love my Momma". I felt better, and more confident, in that moment than I have ever felt sitting in any job review. And I've had some pretty good job reviews.
The thing of it is, though, is that as mothers we carry this awesome load of tasks. That things that need to get done in any day is ridiculous. But we also carry around the weight of responsibility. We carry our children's future. We are tasked with giving the tangible and the infinitely more important intangible.
But this job of mine - Chief Caretaker of My Children - is something I care very deeply about. The outcome rests almost completely in my court. If I fuck them up, well...it's MY fault. I get overwhelmed by that awesome responsibility whenever I think about it too much. If you know me, you know that doing something half-assed or being less than the best is really hard for me. My expectations of myself are astronomically high. I expect and require near perfection from me, and when I am unable to meet that expectation, I better be able to say that I gave it 100% and tried as hard as I could.
The problem is that parenting just doesn't work that way. It's NOT a neatly typed job description with clear tasks and detailed critical skills. It is messy and imperfect. My "evaluation" isn't written on a piece of paper and there is no manager telling me if I am doing my job and where I could improve. It all falls to me.
I'm not sure what my point is, except that every day I wake up and try to make the best possible decisions I can for my children. And every day I have successes and failures. On days like yesterday, when my son spent hours whiny and on the floor throwing fits, I question if I am doing this right. But then, he masters some new skill or launches himself into my arms, and I think maybe I am not fucking it up. Bailey came over to me the other day and nestled herself into my arms, rested her head on my breast and wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me into her hug. She looked up at me and said "I love my Momma". I felt better, and more confident, in that moment than I have ever felt sitting in any job review. And I've had some pretty good job reviews.
The thing of it is, though, is that as mothers we carry this awesome load of tasks. That things that need to get done in any day is ridiculous. But we also carry around the weight of responsibility. We carry our children's future. We are tasked with giving the tangible and the infinitely more important intangible.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Growth
This family of ours is growing quickly. Every day I wake up and want to blog about all that is happening, but then I look up and it's time to start preparing dinner. And there is a relentless march of diapers, feeding, activities, resting, comforting, cooking and kisses. I am busier as a stay at home Momma than I have ever been, with much less time for simple things like blogging.
I am also still 100% certain that I am doing the right thing for this time in our family's life. These two children belong home with me and this is what they need. We are still figuring it out - each week presents a new set of challenges and changes. I am certainly learning as I go. There is no room for doubt or even much thought about my decisions. I make 10,000 decisions in every day and the only measure of success I have is the outcome. I fail a lot, but I adjust and we are getting there.
Our kids are pretty spectacular. I know I am biased...and I would be a shitty parent if I were not biased. But, they are pretty cool, I think. Connor is feeling out his boundries these days - he is very whiny, clingy and does what he knows he should not on a regular basis. We are working on it, but he is very different than his sister and I have not yet found the buttons that push him through those moments. Where Bailey is a white hot flash in the pan, Connor is a slow, rolling boil. A fit can last for a very long time, never escalating past constant whining. But, boy, that whiny is relentless. I don't tolerate whiny. Or at least, that is how it works with Bailey. She whines, I ignore, it ends. But that doesn't work with Connor. Ignoring distresses him, sending him into full blown sobs and classic cryfests on the floor that go on and on and on. I think this is manipulation - he's figured out what works. But, boy, it's hard. And time consuming. He would like constant attention.
With that said, he is also making huge strides forward. He is eating solid food - no baby food. He is sleeping through the night and napping well. And he is sweet and mischevious. He really is a great kid and his sweetness is unmatched.
It's still a transition. Less so for the kids. Bailey never mentions school anymore and has come to expect our daily routine. But I am still getting comfortable in my new role. It's working.
I am also still 100% certain that I am doing the right thing for this time in our family's life. These two children belong home with me and this is what they need. We are still figuring it out - each week presents a new set of challenges and changes. I am certainly learning as I go. There is no room for doubt or even much thought about my decisions. I make 10,000 decisions in every day and the only measure of success I have is the outcome. I fail a lot, but I adjust and we are getting there.
Our kids are pretty spectacular. I know I am biased...and I would be a shitty parent if I were not biased. But, they are pretty cool, I think. Connor is feeling out his boundries these days - he is very whiny, clingy and does what he knows he should not on a regular basis. We are working on it, but he is very different than his sister and I have not yet found the buttons that push him through those moments. Where Bailey is a white hot flash in the pan, Connor is a slow, rolling boil. A fit can last for a very long time, never escalating past constant whining. But, boy, that whiny is relentless. I don't tolerate whiny. Or at least, that is how it works with Bailey. She whines, I ignore, it ends. But that doesn't work with Connor. Ignoring distresses him, sending him into full blown sobs and classic cryfests on the floor that go on and on and on. I think this is manipulation - he's figured out what works. But, boy, it's hard. And time consuming. He would like constant attention.
With that said, he is also making huge strides forward. He is eating solid food - no baby food. He is sleeping through the night and napping well. And he is sweet and mischevious. He really is a great kid and his sweetness is unmatched.
It's still a transition. Less so for the kids. Bailey never mentions school anymore and has come to expect our daily routine. But I am still getting comfortable in my new role. It's working.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Honeymoon
That blissful honeymoon phase that this family has existed in for the first 6 weeks of my staying home has ended. Not so much for me, but for the kids. And certainly for my relationship.
So me first - since I think it's the best and easiest. I am loving this. Still. Every day. Even the really difficult ones (like today). I watched the neighbors getting their kids up and out super early (they have young children) and all I felt was relief. I watch Kelly leave for work each day and I don't feel even the tiniest twinge of regret. I liked my job - but that is all it was. A job. Not a career. Certainly not a passion. I am more certain now, six weeks later, that I have made the absolute right choice. I have no second thoughts. No desire to make any changes. Even the stuff that is irritating as hell - like when they whine in tandem - isn't enough to make any other option seem more appealing. This is exactly what I am meant to be doing at this time in my life.
The kids, who have really enjoyed the change and who have flourished under my continuous care, are starting to show some signs of weariness. The super good, excited to be together energy that has permeated every day is changing. Of course, it is more obvious with Bailey than with Connor. The age difference and language differences make their experiences very different. Bailey throws fits about everything - but she is consistent about throwing a fit whenever it is time to turn off the TV. It's gotten so bad that I am contemplating doing a complete TV detox. 100%. But that means I have to detox too - not from TV, cause I rarely watch - but from the free time that the TV gives me. She is less about clinging to me and more and more about wanting to plug herself into the boob tube and just stay there. All day. It sucks. Connor has gotten more clingy, not less. And lord, that child can cry. And he makes the real tears come. Our little boy is not messing around. Oh no. Not Connor. He gets ridiculously devastated if you don't pick him up immediately when requested. He can't handle being even the slightest bit hungry or tired. And whenever anything is out of place, out of step, out of routine, he comes running and it takes a long time to untangle yourself from him. And then 10 minutes later, he's back.
All of which is fine. Honestly. I really do love this. But when he's falling apart because he won't got to sleep and she is throwing the motherload of all screaming fits because I turned off the TV...and they are doing this at the same time, well...it could drive me to drink. It's pure insanity and it only takes about 15 minutes before my patience is all gone and Momma is all done. Today, they did it for an hour. At the same time. It really sucked.
All told, though, the kids have adjusted really well. Connor has slept through the night for three nights now. Hopefully tonight will make the 4th night. "Through the night" means in bed around 7ish and not up again until 7ish. AMEN! I love sleep. Bailey is delighted to find me every morning and seems so happy that we get to stay together all day.
Kelly and I are still together. Hanging in there. Barely in some moments...but still there. I think it is safe to say that of any relationship in this household, the one between us is the weakest. Parenting a toddler and a brand new one year old is hard. At least, it's hard for us. And I mean "us" in the full on "couple" meaning. Our relationship always gets pushed away and trying to maintain a marriage in the face of that is fucked up. But, we're working through it. I have no doubt that we are strong enough to survive this period, and even enjoy it in moments. She is my best friend, afterall.
That's all for now. More later!
So me first - since I think it's the best and easiest. I am loving this. Still. Every day. Even the really difficult ones (like today). I watched the neighbors getting their kids up and out super early (they have young children) and all I felt was relief. I watch Kelly leave for work each day and I don't feel even the tiniest twinge of regret. I liked my job - but that is all it was. A job. Not a career. Certainly not a passion. I am more certain now, six weeks later, that I have made the absolute right choice. I have no second thoughts. No desire to make any changes. Even the stuff that is irritating as hell - like when they whine in tandem - isn't enough to make any other option seem more appealing. This is exactly what I am meant to be doing at this time in my life.
The kids, who have really enjoyed the change and who have flourished under my continuous care, are starting to show some signs of weariness. The super good, excited to be together energy that has permeated every day is changing. Of course, it is more obvious with Bailey than with Connor. The age difference and language differences make their experiences very different. Bailey throws fits about everything - but she is consistent about throwing a fit whenever it is time to turn off the TV. It's gotten so bad that I am contemplating doing a complete TV detox. 100%. But that means I have to detox too - not from TV, cause I rarely watch - but from the free time that the TV gives me. She is less about clinging to me and more and more about wanting to plug herself into the boob tube and just stay there. All day. It sucks. Connor has gotten more clingy, not less. And lord, that child can cry. And he makes the real tears come. Our little boy is not messing around. Oh no. Not Connor. He gets ridiculously devastated if you don't pick him up immediately when requested. He can't handle being even the slightest bit hungry or tired. And whenever anything is out of place, out of step, out of routine, he comes running and it takes a long time to untangle yourself from him. And then 10 minutes later, he's back.
All of which is fine. Honestly. I really do love this. But when he's falling apart because he won't got to sleep and she is throwing the motherload of all screaming fits because I turned off the TV...and they are doing this at the same time, well...it could drive me to drink. It's pure insanity and it only takes about 15 minutes before my patience is all gone and Momma is all done. Today, they did it for an hour. At the same time. It really sucked.
All told, though, the kids have adjusted really well. Connor has slept through the night for three nights now. Hopefully tonight will make the 4th night. "Through the night" means in bed around 7ish and not up again until 7ish. AMEN! I love sleep. Bailey is delighted to find me every morning and seems so happy that we get to stay together all day.
Kelly and I are still together. Hanging in there. Barely in some moments...but still there. I think it is safe to say that of any relationship in this household, the one between us is the weakest. Parenting a toddler and a brand new one year old is hard. At least, it's hard for us. And I mean "us" in the full on "couple" meaning. Our relationship always gets pushed away and trying to maintain a marriage in the face of that is fucked up. But, we're working through it. I have no doubt that we are strong enough to survive this period, and even enjoy it in moments. She is my best friend, afterall.
That's all for now. More later!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Our Beautiful Son
One year ago, today, you were in the nursery of Civista Hospital. Your Mommy was being sewn up in the OR and I was waiting, wondering how you both were.
In that moment, beautiful boy, I knew I loved you. Not just in the way that you would expect, but in that bone-crushing, soul-shattering way that you will not understand until your own children are born.
In this past year, you have taken up permanent residence in our hearts, our souls...in every breath of our lives. Oh, Connor, there are no words for the way that we love you. You are the sweetest, most loving child. Your love, your joy - they spill over, infecting all of us with smiles. Your pout, used frequently, is so cute it melts me every time.
I can see the drama in you, and I love it so much. You are into every thing. You are full of life, exporing every nook and crany and under every thing you can turn over.
Happy Birthday, Connor Buddy. From the deepest part of our hearts. We love you.
In that moment, beautiful boy, I knew I loved you. Not just in the way that you would expect, but in that bone-crushing, soul-shattering way that you will not understand until your own children are born.
In this past year, you have taken up permanent residence in our hearts, our souls...in every breath of our lives. Oh, Connor, there are no words for the way that we love you. You are the sweetest, most loving child. Your love, your joy - they spill over, infecting all of us with smiles. Your pout, used frequently, is so cute it melts me every time.
I can see the drama in you, and I love it so much. You are into every thing. You are full of life, exporing every nook and crany and under every thing you can turn over.
Happy Birthday, Connor Buddy. From the deepest part of our hearts. We love you.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Rough Day
Well, it seems that rough days DO still happen. Today was the roughest I remember in a long time. Both kids were Whiny all day. The only saving grace was that other than a few horrid moments, they were not whiny at the same time.
And I can't even eat for comfort. I started working out this morning again and I'll be damned if I am going to eat away all that work.
I can't wait to go to bed and bury my head.
And I can't even eat for comfort. I started working out this morning again and I'll be damned if I am going to eat away all that work.
I can't wait to go to bed and bury my head.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Snow and Fear
The two really don't have anything to do with each other, though...
First, we are going on day 6 of being "snowed in". On Friday of last week, Kelly worked from home due to the start of a monster snow storm that started Friday night and continued through Saturday. It dumped 24.5 inches of snow into our yard and much more (up to 40 inches) in other areas in the DC region. The Federal Government was shut down Monday and Tuesday as people continued the process of digging out. Last night, the snow started again - with a promised 8-12 inches of more new snow on the way. This would be a HUGE storm for this area alone, but combine it with the monstor storm just a few days ago and this region has just been completely crippled and consumed by it.
The problem is that this area just doesn't get this. I heard a very telling piece of news on TV last night - in the previous three winters the snowfall totals have been 10 inches, 7 inches and 5 inches TOTAL. That's 22 inches total in THREE winters. We've had much more than that just in the past 4 days. People are not capable of driving in the snow and ice. The plows are completely overwhelmed and the crews have been working for 6 days straight with no sign of stopping.
The worst of it is the basics. Kelly and I have been extremely proactive about digging out. We grew up in snow areas and understand that the window for digging out closes - the snow freezes. If you don't move the 2 feet of snow out of the way when it is still snow, you will regret it. And probably be stuck for a very long time. We have young kids. We don't want to be stuck.
The Federal Government is shut down again today. Day three. Hopefully it will be open tomorrow, but this snow isn't supposed to stop until tonight. So we'll see.
The "fear" part of my title? Well, that's because yesterday Connor fell down our very steep flight of stairs and landed on hardwood. Kelly and I have always hated the stairs in this house (Kelly more than me). They are very, very steep. It's just been in the last few months that we've allowed Bailey to go up and down them on her own and she's been walking for nearly 2 years.
Well, somehow the extremely strong gate we have installed at the top of the stairs got left open. Kelly thinks it was her; but honestly, I don't know how it happened and it doesn't matter. What I do know is that I was about to change Bailey's diaper when I heard the most panic sound coming from Kelly and what sounded like a sack of potatoes thunking it's way down the stairs. Kelly screamed "Honey, honey, oh God honey, he's falling down the stairs". I don't think either one of us has ever moved so fast in our life. I don't know how I got down the stairs, but I was at their side in an instant. When Kelly first saw Connor he was 4-5 steps down our 14-step staircase. He was rolling sideways (as opposed to end over end, thank god). It was a very, very fast roll. He landed on hardwood and immediately started trying to get up, just as if he had fallen down walking or something.
He cried, but only for about 5 minutes. He had no bumps on his head, no bruises. I moved every finger, every toe. I examined all of his body, moving all the joints and gently squeezing his body to check for places of pain. There was nothing. Other than fear, Connor came out of it unscathed.
We called our nurse help line and got a recommendation to take him to the ER just to be safe. We agreed - you can't be too careful with potential head injuries. And there is no way his head wasn't bonked around. The trip to the ER was relatively short and painless. They examined him and found him to be a lovely, playful, beautiful little boy unhurt from the fall. Since then, he's slept peacefully, waking on his usual schedule. All is good. Thank God.
Now...another snow day.
First, we are going on day 6 of being "snowed in". On Friday of last week, Kelly worked from home due to the start of a monster snow storm that started Friday night and continued through Saturday. It dumped 24.5 inches of snow into our yard and much more (up to 40 inches) in other areas in the DC region. The Federal Government was shut down Monday and Tuesday as people continued the process of digging out. Last night, the snow started again - with a promised 8-12 inches of more new snow on the way. This would be a HUGE storm for this area alone, but combine it with the monstor storm just a few days ago and this region has just been completely crippled and consumed by it.
The problem is that this area just doesn't get this. I heard a very telling piece of news on TV last night - in the previous three winters the snowfall totals have been 10 inches, 7 inches and 5 inches TOTAL. That's 22 inches total in THREE winters. We've had much more than that just in the past 4 days. People are not capable of driving in the snow and ice. The plows are completely overwhelmed and the crews have been working for 6 days straight with no sign of stopping.
The worst of it is the basics. Kelly and I have been extremely proactive about digging out. We grew up in snow areas and understand that the window for digging out closes - the snow freezes. If you don't move the 2 feet of snow out of the way when it is still snow, you will regret it. And probably be stuck for a very long time. We have young kids. We don't want to be stuck.
The Federal Government is shut down again today. Day three. Hopefully it will be open tomorrow, but this snow isn't supposed to stop until tonight. So we'll see.
The "fear" part of my title? Well, that's because yesterday Connor fell down our very steep flight of stairs and landed on hardwood. Kelly and I have always hated the stairs in this house (Kelly more than me). They are very, very steep. It's just been in the last few months that we've allowed Bailey to go up and down them on her own and she's been walking for nearly 2 years.
Well, somehow the extremely strong gate we have installed at the top of the stairs got left open. Kelly thinks it was her; but honestly, I don't know how it happened and it doesn't matter. What I do know is that I was about to change Bailey's diaper when I heard the most panic sound coming from Kelly and what sounded like a sack of potatoes thunking it's way down the stairs. Kelly screamed "Honey, honey, oh God honey, he's falling down the stairs". I don't think either one of us has ever moved so fast in our life. I don't know how I got down the stairs, but I was at their side in an instant. When Kelly first saw Connor he was 4-5 steps down our 14-step staircase. He was rolling sideways (as opposed to end over end, thank god). It was a very, very fast roll. He landed on hardwood and immediately started trying to get up, just as if he had fallen down walking or something.
He cried, but only for about 5 minutes. He had no bumps on his head, no bruises. I moved every finger, every toe. I examined all of his body, moving all the joints and gently squeezing his body to check for places of pain. There was nothing. Other than fear, Connor came out of it unscathed.
We called our nurse help line and got a recommendation to take him to the ER just to be safe. We agreed - you can't be too careful with potential head injuries. And there is no way his head wasn't bonked around. The trip to the ER was relatively short and painless. They examined him and found him to be a lovely, playful, beautiful little boy unhurt from the fall. Since then, he's slept peacefully, waking on his usual schedule. All is good. Thank God.
Now...another snow day.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Time
Turns out that while I have more time to blog, I have less internet access and don't actually get to blog much! LOL - oh well. I wouldn't change the lack of internet access - I am truly loving the "disconnect". Strange, huh?
We are well. Connor is sick and will be at the doctor's office today. He's been running a 103 degree fever for two days and his lungs seem very, very full of crud. He's been a miserable boy unless he's highly medicated with motrin and tylenol. It sucks, but it's pretty normal. I'm thinking that he's got some kind of broncitis stuff going on and will need medication. We'll see if my suspicions are right.
Bailey is lovely - she's kind of bored. We've had a record snowfall the last two days - 24.5 inches fell in our front yard...31 inches in the District. The Federal Government is shut down today, leaving us all home again. Bailey's art class is cancelled. But Mommy is home, so we're hopeful that we'll find something to get into. Bailey has been loving, loving, loving playing out in the snow. She adores it! She plays for a long time before she even starts to get cold and then it's a long time after that before she'll consent to come inside. Because of where we live, this is likely to be the only winter like this of her entire childhood...they just don't happen like this very often. We are letting her play as often as she wants. It's a rite of passage.
She's started dreaming...or rather, she's started articulating her dreams. Twice now she has woken up pissed off. The first time she was yelling because "Connor took my sandwich"! HA! Last night she woke up yelling because she wanted "her surprise". It's funny to me. I go in to comfort her and this is what I hear. It makes me laugh. And she seems so confused by it. Such a big-girl development!
Kelly is remodeling our master bathroom. So far, the walls have been painted and she is in the process of laying vinyl tile on the floors. We are in love with the changes!!!! The master bath has never been touched - the builders white paint was still there. And the flooring was tacky sheet linoleum. So, we're happy to be changing it up! It's a beautiful blue color...pictures when it's finished!
I think that's all for now...
We are well. Connor is sick and will be at the doctor's office today. He's been running a 103 degree fever for two days and his lungs seem very, very full of crud. He's been a miserable boy unless he's highly medicated with motrin and tylenol. It sucks, but it's pretty normal. I'm thinking that he's got some kind of broncitis stuff going on and will need medication. We'll see if my suspicions are right.
Bailey is lovely - she's kind of bored. We've had a record snowfall the last two days - 24.5 inches fell in our front yard...31 inches in the District. The Federal Government is shut down today, leaving us all home again. Bailey's art class is cancelled. But Mommy is home, so we're hopeful that we'll find something to get into. Bailey has been loving, loving, loving playing out in the snow. She adores it! She plays for a long time before she even starts to get cold and then it's a long time after that before she'll consent to come inside. Because of where we live, this is likely to be the only winter like this of her entire childhood...they just don't happen like this very often. We are letting her play as often as she wants. It's a rite of passage.
She's started dreaming...or rather, she's started articulating her dreams. Twice now she has woken up pissed off. The first time she was yelling because "Connor took my sandwich"! HA! Last night she woke up yelling because she wanted "her surprise". It's funny to me. I go in to comfort her and this is what I hear. It makes me laugh. And she seems so confused by it. Such a big-girl development!
Kelly is remodeling our master bathroom. So far, the walls have been painted and she is in the process of laying vinyl tile on the floors. We are in love with the changes!!!! The master bath has never been touched - the builders white paint was still there. And the flooring was tacky sheet linoleum. So, we're happy to be changing it up! It's a beautiful blue color...pictures when it's finished!
I think that's all for now...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Jaunary 2010 Wrap-Up
New tradition - the wrap-up. From youngest to oldest, bulleted for ease!
Connor
Connor
- On the first day of this year, Connor moved into his own bedroom. From the start, he slept great - he didn't have any transition issues. His current sleep schedule is in bed by 8 PM, up around 11:30ish to eat, up again at 5:45ish to eat, up for the day at 8 AM. Not to bad for a kid who wouldn't sleep longer than 2 hours for the longest time.
- His eating is a bit wierd right now. He's transitioning and wants to eat more than he currently is, but he doesn't like anything. He eats yogurt with oatmeal, waffles, cherrios, goldfish, graham crackers and gerber fruits and veggies. He won't eat whole fruits and veggies or even mashed up fruits and veggies. Oh no - it must be the strained crap. We also discovered that, for now, Connor has an egg allergy. That sucks.
- Connor is still breast feeding. He's eating about 8 ounces of milk during the day and perhaps another 8 at night from the breast. Connor still very much loves his breast feeding time and while he's slowing down a bit, he's not showing any signs of fully weaning.
- Connor is wearing 18 month clothes and they fit perfectly. He's going to outgrow them soon.
- We bought his first pair of shoes this month - size 4 double wides. We had to spend $50 on them...ridiculous for infant shoes. But he needed something to be able to walk around outside.
- He says Momma and Bye Bye clearly. He mimics the sounds for many other words - the most clear of them being "Bailey" and "All Done". Those words will come next. He's babbling up a storm - seriously talking. He has full-on conversations with us - and we talk back. We love his conversations.
- Without doubt, his favorite person right now is Bailey. He needs Kelly and I...but he LOVES Bailey. He looks for her, gets weird when she is not around and worries about her when she's crying or in trouble. He chases her. He annoys her and delights her and they are perfect siblings.
- His favorite toys are any that make music. The child is a music lover of the highest order. He dances. He waves his arms. He gets low. He's awesome.
- His personality is hard to describe in a bullet - he's in the most loving, honest phase that I have seen children go through. He's wide open right now - all love and tears and joy and frustration. He's on the cusp of a major development and growth spurt that will leave him talking and mastering the most difficult challenges...but he's not there yet. And so he's easily frustrated, but loves so hard! He's such a sweet little love bug, until he's not. It's that honest, pure stage where nothing that he feels is hidden and he's not yet trying to manipulate anything or anyone. He just exists in our family and makes his presence and needs known. He's our "Connor Buddy" and we all love him dearly.
- Potty training is at a full stop this month. We got tired of buying pullups and having her use them like diapers. She knows what to do, how to do it and what it feels like when she needs to go pee or poop. She simply chooses not to go or tell us, so we assume that she is not yet ready. We're not pushing it. She knows that when she is ready, we're all over it and she'll get to pick out her own pretty panties.
- Bailey is adjusting to being a "stay-at-home" kid wonderfully. She hasn't missed her friends at all - at least, not in any way that she has expressed to me. She just loves being at home with me and Connor.
- Her favorite food is mac and cheese. Distant seconds are turkey hotdogs, chicken nuggets, McCain smiles, corn and all manner of fruit. She loves eggs and pancakes for breakfast. She usually wants cheese or fruity cherrios for snacks. To drink she asks for water and juice equally...but she only gets water. Juice is limited. Occassionally she'll drink milk, but it's not her favorite.
- She is wearing 4T pants and shirts right now. Size 9 shoes. He is a big girl - tall and well proportioned.
- She is a phenomenal speaker - she can master any word thown her way and speaks clearly and without pronounciation problems.
- She watches way more TV than I am comfortable with - her current favorite is the Mickey Mouse Club. She loves them and would do nothing more than watch them all day - I have to prevent that.
- Of the activities we do, her favorite is Library day. She adores the library.
- Her BFF is Maleah. She would spend every waking minute with Maleah if she could. She told me the other day that she "loves going to Maleah's house every day"!
- Her imagination has taken off. She plays independantly for long stretches of time and comes up with some of the funniest games. I love to listen to her play. It gives me insights into our parenting.
- We have allowed her to make the house her own for the first time. She is allowed to go upstairs without us, as long as she tells us she is going. And while she hasn't yet figured it out, the doHerthingy is off her bedroom door and she could come out of her room whenever she wanted to.
- Timeouts are the only effective means of punishing Bailey. And she knows that the "count to three" means that she will lose a priviledge. She hates losing things, so it usually works.
- Her personality right now is hot and cold. But it's deliberate. She knows how to manipulate. And she does it. Often. She is also extremely loving and sweet right now. Watching her with Connor is equal parts terrifying and heartbreaking in it's sweetness. She's an amazing big sister.
- I am her favorite person. She is addicted to me. I don't mind.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
When Parenting Causes Minor Heart Failure
So, hell!
Connor is on his way to eating real food. Not the strained (and expensive) crap that comes in convenient 3.5 ounce sizes. But real food. We try something new every day. So far, he's fallen in love with whole grain frozen waffles, cherrios, goldfish, graham crackers....but rejected all manner of fruit and vegetables. He won't eat anything with meat in it - in any form. He seems to be okay with some pasta, but has rejected those little Pasta Pickups. In other words, our kid is a finicky freak in a way that Bailey never was.
Okay, so freak may be a harsh term.
But honestly. He is a bit of a freak about what he will and won't eat. And at some point he needs to jump on board with some food that is not strained and spoon-fed. Because it's not really filling him up anymore. When you have to feed your child thee of them at any given setting, it's not working anymore. And have I mentioned it's expensive to buy that much baby food??
Enter the point of this story. EGGS! Bailey loved 'em...still does for that matter. They are easy to eat, easy to mash up with toothless gums. They are nutritious in moderation. They are full of protein. And I have perfected the art of making a mean, mean omlet over the years. Perfectly done eggs without a hint of "brown", folded over perfectly. I mean, I'm good.
So after feeding Connor his waffle, and preparing Bailey's omlet, I decided to give eggs a go with Connor. I made him one egg. I didn't cook it with butter and I didn't add cheese. In other words - I was isolating the food just in case. You know, so that I would know if something was wrong. This little habit is something we've always done and if you are not yet a parent, I highly recommend it. We are now close to 3 years into feeding children, and we've never had a problem with allergies. Until yesterday.
Connor picked up one piece of egg. He put it on his lips and then refused to eat it. I tried to coax him a bit, but he just waved me away, refusing to eat the egg. This happens 90% of the time when Connor is offered new foods, so I wasn't surprised. I left it sitting on his tray for a few minutes just in case he changed his mind. But, of course, he didn't. Thank god.
About 5 minutes after he touched his lips with the egg, he got a few red streaks around his mouth. They looked like his face had been sunburned in short streaks. You know what I'm talking about? That kind of red, bloated look? I noticed it and was curious, but not worried. Bailey gets the same thing when she eats sugar-free syrup and it sits on her face. But it quickly began spreading. I was on the phone with Kelly when it started and by the time it had spread up the right side of his face and he started digging at his right eye, it was only about 7 minutes. I told Kelly I was calling the doctor and hung up (she had been urging me to do this since the streaks started...she's a bigger worrier than I am).
Connor was really digging at his eyes. By this time, the red, bloated rashy look had spread to his forehead and was starting to creep down the left side of his face. He was digging at both eyes. I had, of course, removed all signs of the egg and cleaned him up so that no traces were left on him. As I calmly (I hope) called the doctor, I began making sure my bag was stocked with baby supplies in case we needed to make an emergery trip to the hospital. I was that scared...but also, not dumb enough to let myself be stuck in the ER without food for Bailey and enough diapers to survive. LOL.
Anyway - as I waited on hold, it just seemed to get worse. After finishing it's slow creep down the left side of his face, the red, bloated look seemed to get more bloated and he just kept digging at his eyes. Then, his lips seemed to swell even more and a white ring appeared around his lips. Kind of like if he were pursing them - but he wasn't.
Now, I should stop and let you know that the entire time this was happening, Connor was babbling. He was also smiling at me as I paced in front of him and kept talking to him. I needed him to keep talking and making noises so that I could reassure myself that he was not having any trouble breathing. My attention kept him happy and he gladly babbled and told me all about what was going on in his little-boy brain. He never once seemed like he was struggling to breath or even a hint of anything beyond the red rash and itchy eyes. Had I seen even a second of anything like that, I would have called 911 immediately (another reason I was packing necessary items in my bag).
I finally got a nurse on the line and briefed her. She asked if I had children's benadryl in the house. I did...it had expired in Nov 09, but I figured that it would be okay for this. After asking all the questions to ensure that Connor was breathing fine, she told me to give him 3/4 of a teaspoon of the benadryl. She explained how allergies work - they are either "mild" and controllable by benadryl, or a huge problem and should be treated in the ER ASAP. Given that we were about 20 minutes into the ordeal at this point and Connor was only exhibiting a rash and itchy eyes, it was very likely that benadryl would control the problem. She also warned me about the sleepy effects of benadryl.
It worked and 15 minutes after giving him a dose, the red was mostly gone and he was well on his way to normal. He never crashed out - which is odd. But okay.
This was our first incident with any kind of allergy. Bailey has none to date. I worry about the strength of this allergy given that he didn't ingest any of the eggs, and we have to make some decisions going forward about how to explore the allergy safely. And, as with most things kid-related, we won't be able to tell if it's a real allergy until he's older than 2. Most allergies that present prior to 2 are grown out of before the second year of life. We have a lot of questions.
But I'm glad I was home with him when it happened. Daycare would have called 911 (rightly) and THAT would have been a hellish situation as we tried to get home from the city, with our infant son in the ER. I mean, how bad would that have sucked?
Connor is on his way to eating real food. Not the strained (and expensive) crap that comes in convenient 3.5 ounce sizes. But real food. We try something new every day. So far, he's fallen in love with whole grain frozen waffles, cherrios, goldfish, graham crackers....but rejected all manner of fruit and vegetables. He won't eat anything with meat in it - in any form. He seems to be okay with some pasta, but has rejected those little Pasta Pickups. In other words, our kid is a finicky freak in a way that Bailey never was.
Okay, so freak may be a harsh term.
But honestly. He is a bit of a freak about what he will and won't eat. And at some point he needs to jump on board with some food that is not strained and spoon-fed. Because it's not really filling him up anymore. When you have to feed your child thee of them at any given setting, it's not working anymore. And have I mentioned it's expensive to buy that much baby food??
Enter the point of this story. EGGS! Bailey loved 'em...still does for that matter. They are easy to eat, easy to mash up with toothless gums. They are nutritious in moderation. They are full of protein. And I have perfected the art of making a mean, mean omlet over the years. Perfectly done eggs without a hint of "brown", folded over perfectly. I mean, I'm good.
So after feeding Connor his waffle, and preparing Bailey's omlet, I decided to give eggs a go with Connor. I made him one egg. I didn't cook it with butter and I didn't add cheese. In other words - I was isolating the food just in case. You know, so that I would know if something was wrong. This little habit is something we've always done and if you are not yet a parent, I highly recommend it. We are now close to 3 years into feeding children, and we've never had a problem with allergies. Until yesterday.
Connor picked up one piece of egg. He put it on his lips and then refused to eat it. I tried to coax him a bit, but he just waved me away, refusing to eat the egg. This happens 90% of the time when Connor is offered new foods, so I wasn't surprised. I left it sitting on his tray for a few minutes just in case he changed his mind. But, of course, he didn't. Thank god.
About 5 minutes after he touched his lips with the egg, he got a few red streaks around his mouth. They looked like his face had been sunburned in short streaks. You know what I'm talking about? That kind of red, bloated look? I noticed it and was curious, but not worried. Bailey gets the same thing when she eats sugar-free syrup and it sits on her face. But it quickly began spreading. I was on the phone with Kelly when it started and by the time it had spread up the right side of his face and he started digging at his right eye, it was only about 7 minutes. I told Kelly I was calling the doctor and hung up (she had been urging me to do this since the streaks started...she's a bigger worrier than I am).
Connor was really digging at his eyes. By this time, the red, bloated rashy look had spread to his forehead and was starting to creep down the left side of his face. He was digging at both eyes. I had, of course, removed all signs of the egg and cleaned him up so that no traces were left on him. As I calmly (I hope) called the doctor, I began making sure my bag was stocked with baby supplies in case we needed to make an emergery trip to the hospital. I was that scared...but also, not dumb enough to let myself be stuck in the ER without food for Bailey and enough diapers to survive. LOL.
Anyway - as I waited on hold, it just seemed to get worse. After finishing it's slow creep down the left side of his face, the red, bloated look seemed to get more bloated and he just kept digging at his eyes. Then, his lips seemed to swell even more and a white ring appeared around his lips. Kind of like if he were pursing them - but he wasn't.
Now, I should stop and let you know that the entire time this was happening, Connor was babbling. He was also smiling at me as I paced in front of him and kept talking to him. I needed him to keep talking and making noises so that I could reassure myself that he was not having any trouble breathing. My attention kept him happy and he gladly babbled and told me all about what was going on in his little-boy brain. He never once seemed like he was struggling to breath or even a hint of anything beyond the red rash and itchy eyes. Had I seen even a second of anything like that, I would have called 911 immediately (another reason I was packing necessary items in my bag).
I finally got a nurse on the line and briefed her. She asked if I had children's benadryl in the house. I did...it had expired in Nov 09, but I figured that it would be okay for this. After asking all the questions to ensure that Connor was breathing fine, she told me to give him 3/4 of a teaspoon of the benadryl. She explained how allergies work - they are either "mild" and controllable by benadryl, or a huge problem and should be treated in the ER ASAP. Given that we were about 20 minutes into the ordeal at this point and Connor was only exhibiting a rash and itchy eyes, it was very likely that benadryl would control the problem. She also warned me about the sleepy effects of benadryl.
It worked and 15 minutes after giving him a dose, the red was mostly gone and he was well on his way to normal. He never crashed out - which is odd. But okay.
This was our first incident with any kind of allergy. Bailey has none to date. I worry about the strength of this allergy given that he didn't ingest any of the eggs, and we have to make some decisions going forward about how to explore the allergy safely. And, as with most things kid-related, we won't be able to tell if it's a real allergy until he's older than 2. Most allergies that present prior to 2 are grown out of before the second year of life. We have a lot of questions.
But I'm glad I was home with him when it happened. Daycare would have called 911 (rightly) and THAT would have been a hellish situation as we tried to get home from the city, with our infant son in the ER. I mean, how bad would that have sucked?
Monday, January 25, 2010
Slow, Easy, Beautiful
It's so amazing what two weeks will do to a family. Two weeks of ENOUGH time to get it all done. Two weeks of both parents getting what they need to make their days work. Two weeks of both kids getting enough sleep, enough attention and enough affection. Two weeks of a pace that is not only managable, but fun and easy. Two weeks of what feels like heaven.
To say that we are doing better would be an understatement. We are rockin' in every sense of that word. all four of us in our own ways. We all four have had very different needs and we have all needed something different to "fix" what was ailing. But somehow this arrangement seems to be doing just that.
It's just, simply, working.
I don't have internet access during the day - I am completely disconnected. No blackberry, no computer. I have my phone, so I can make calls...but I am completely disconnected from the world during the day. Except for the parts of the world that I choose to include, like our classes and our friends. I thought that I would hate it - that the disconnected part would be what I would struggle with the most. But I don't. Honestly, I feel so free. I am not constantly checking this virtual world and what is happening with other people's lives. I am focused entirely on my world - my children, my home, the day's events, the cycles that happen each morning and afternoon. I do not miss a moment of my children's worlds. They are in my full sights, with my full attention. I haven't been so focused in my entire life.
Honestly, I can't remember another time when I have had enough time to get it all done. For the first time, EVER, I feel like I am not over-extended. I spend hours and hours on the floor with my children, watching them, playing with them, reading to them. We tickle, we laugh, we cuddle, we chase. I break up their fights, teach them manners and witness their passage through each day. There are very, very few moments in my life now where I am racing to the next task. There is almost always the option to just delay whatever it is that I was going to do for a tea party, or a "chase me" game with Connor.
This is revolutionary. I don't know any other word to describe it. I have never, ever lived like this. I didn't know it was possible to live like this. I had myself convinced that I needed to run at 180 miles per hour to be happy.
God, was I ever wrong.
To say that we are doing better would be an understatement. We are rockin' in every sense of that word. all four of us in our own ways. We all four have had very different needs and we have all needed something different to "fix" what was ailing. But somehow this arrangement seems to be doing just that.
It's just, simply, working.
I don't have internet access during the day - I am completely disconnected. No blackberry, no computer. I have my phone, so I can make calls...but I am completely disconnected from the world during the day. Except for the parts of the world that I choose to include, like our classes and our friends. I thought that I would hate it - that the disconnected part would be what I would struggle with the most. But I don't. Honestly, I feel so free. I am not constantly checking this virtual world and what is happening with other people's lives. I am focused entirely on my world - my children, my home, the day's events, the cycles that happen each morning and afternoon. I do not miss a moment of my children's worlds. They are in my full sights, with my full attention. I haven't been so focused in my entire life.
Honestly, I can't remember another time when I have had enough time to get it all done. For the first time, EVER, I feel like I am not over-extended. I spend hours and hours on the floor with my children, watching them, playing with them, reading to them. We tickle, we laugh, we cuddle, we chase. I break up their fights, teach them manners and witness their passage through each day. There are very, very few moments in my life now where I am racing to the next task. There is almost always the option to just delay whatever it is that I was going to do for a tea party, or a "chase me" game with Connor.
This is revolutionary. I don't know any other word to describe it. I have never, ever lived like this. I didn't know it was possible to live like this. I had myself convinced that I needed to run at 180 miles per hour to be happy.
God, was I ever wrong.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
For Me
Well, we all know that I am not the easiest person in the world...and eventually the "new" part of this will wear off and I will get bored.
I have been brainstorming ideas for how I can deal with that.
I think I have a pretty cool plan that allows me to chase a long-shot dream at the same time.
I have always wanted to write a book about sex. Not a "how to" or anything like that - but my thoughts and impressions about sex and the world around us in relationship to various topics. I think I'm pretty funny and I also think I have some good insights. With that said, I also know that I need a research-based knowledge that I don't yet have.
In comes my good idea...I have a library card. I have some free time in the morning. I need to start reading. I'll be doing research on some of the most important books to the field of human sexuality and sex therapy and then I'll start branching out to other topics. When I start feeling like I have a grasp on the issues, I'll start writing.
And even if I never start writing, I'll enjoy the reading...and feeling like I am "doing" something.
I have been brainstorming ideas for how I can deal with that.
I think I have a pretty cool plan that allows me to chase a long-shot dream at the same time.
I have always wanted to write a book about sex. Not a "how to" or anything like that - but my thoughts and impressions about sex and the world around us in relationship to various topics. I think I'm pretty funny and I also think I have some good insights. With that said, I also know that I need a research-based knowledge that I don't yet have.
In comes my good idea...I have a library card. I have some free time in the morning. I need to start reading. I'll be doing research on some of the most important books to the field of human sexuality and sex therapy and then I'll start branching out to other topics. When I start feeling like I have a grasp on the issues, I'll start writing.
And even if I never start writing, I'll enjoy the reading...and feeling like I am "doing" something.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Our First Week
I know that the first week of anything is never the best predicter of how things will be over the long-term. I mean, look at the first real week of a new relationship. LOL - if we all acted like that forever, we'd never get anything done! Or the first week of a new infant's life...that hot and cold of extreme beauty and abject fear - that doesn't last. Or the first week of weight loss, where you can drop 15 pounds just by consuming some water. Or the first week of a new job where you are given just the tiniest bit of work or are handed a procedures manual and told to read it and that is your work for the week. Or the first week of classes when everything is still exciting and you are still totally on board with the syllubus and the homework doesn't seem daunting yet.
So I get it. I know that the first week of anything isn't the predictor.
But oh, my dear friends, what a first week we had! I have never, ever in my life experienced so much joy, calm, happiness and positive energy. For the first time ever, I feel like I shut my eyes, jumped off the cliff of the unknown and landed with both feet solidily on the ground. I feel like the woman I was always born to be.
The kids and I had a couple of rough moments - but by and large, it was easy. I hate to use that word. I hate the thought that I might jinx this...but that's what it was. It was easy. It was fun. It was enjoyable. It was so peaceful to know that the only thing I had to do was them. That sitting with them while they played or working with Bailey in her workbooks what what I was supposed to be doing. That by enjoying those hours in that way was not only appropriate, it was expected. To be able to take 45 minutes and sit and stare at my sleeping son, just because I wanted to, was a gift I have never had.
And, it's not as if I didn't do anything. I mean, every single day, I embraced new challenges. I took Bailey to an art class on Monday. We did the library and a craft on Wednesday. I joined our local Mom's Club on Thursday. On Friday, we all went grocery and Target shopping. I mean, I didn't take it easy on myself. I pushed us and the kids a little - kept us active. But still. Easy. It was EASY. It was even pleasant.
And to top it all over and just add a little cherry on an already spectacular week, Bailey told the checkout lady at Target on Friday, "I don't go to school anymore. I stay at home with my Momma and my little baby Connor buddy." She then threw her arms around my legs and shouted "I love you, Momma" at the top of her lungs. The girl is so happy. And he is too. They are now, finally, running at a child's pace. They have the life I have always wanted for them. They will be challenged by me, but not life. They will be engaged and will be active learners...but they won't have to labor under the stress of an adult schedule.
Both Kelly and I are already showing the signs. For me, it's immediate. I have shed the stress of working full time and juggling it all like a bad winter coat. I feel weightless, free, relaxed. I don't find the same things tedious or annoying that I did just a couple of weeks ago. I can handle the constant barrage of crying, needs and wants from the kids. It doesn't just sound like relentless noise anymore. I actually have some energy to pay attention to the kids and I can usually spot a meltdown before it's happening...and diffuse it. All of these things are working together to create a me that is so much more peaceful and easy going. Every night, just for some Mikki-blow-off-the-steam time, I crank up my music and the kids and I have a dance party for 3-4 songs...and I actually enjoy it. I mean, my god, do you know how long it's been since I have truly ENJOYED anything?
Kelly is getting there. She can feel the effects of the changed atmosphere of our house, but I think the peace of that is tempered a little bit by the weaning process and her grief over that. More on that in my next post. There are a lot of changes happening with Connor and her and she struggles with that a bit. Plus, she is still working. But it's been so helpful for her to come home to a relaxed, peaceful me. Honestly, I was so jacked up for so long that I think she started to believe that was who I had become. She's seeing a newer side of me and the effects of that will only continue.
What a glorious week. The weekend started off poorly with a broken furnace requiring full replacement to the tune of $3300. Lovely. And I haven't slept much because we are having to maintain the space heaters to keep it warm enough in here and I can't just let a space heater run. But this is a good example of change - because it hasn't phased me all that much. I am just relaxed enough that I can roll with it, work with it and move on. Taking Bailey to a birthday party this afternoon. I can't wait!
So I get it. I know that the first week of anything isn't the predictor.
But oh, my dear friends, what a first week we had! I have never, ever in my life experienced so much joy, calm, happiness and positive energy. For the first time ever, I feel like I shut my eyes, jumped off the cliff of the unknown and landed with both feet solidily on the ground. I feel like the woman I was always born to be.
The kids and I had a couple of rough moments - but by and large, it was easy. I hate to use that word. I hate the thought that I might jinx this...but that's what it was. It was easy. It was fun. It was enjoyable. It was so peaceful to know that the only thing I had to do was them. That sitting with them while they played or working with Bailey in her workbooks what what I was supposed to be doing. That by enjoying those hours in that way was not only appropriate, it was expected. To be able to take 45 minutes and sit and stare at my sleeping son, just because I wanted to, was a gift I have never had.
And, it's not as if I didn't do anything. I mean, every single day, I embraced new challenges. I took Bailey to an art class on Monday. We did the library and a craft on Wednesday. I joined our local Mom's Club on Thursday. On Friday, we all went grocery and Target shopping. I mean, I didn't take it easy on myself. I pushed us and the kids a little - kept us active. But still. Easy. It was EASY. It was even pleasant.
And to top it all over and just add a little cherry on an already spectacular week, Bailey told the checkout lady at Target on Friday, "I don't go to school anymore. I stay at home with my Momma and my little baby Connor buddy." She then threw her arms around my legs and shouted "I love you, Momma" at the top of her lungs. The girl is so happy. And he is too. They are now, finally, running at a child's pace. They have the life I have always wanted for them. They will be challenged by me, but not life. They will be engaged and will be active learners...but they won't have to labor under the stress of an adult schedule.
Both Kelly and I are already showing the signs. For me, it's immediate. I have shed the stress of working full time and juggling it all like a bad winter coat. I feel weightless, free, relaxed. I don't find the same things tedious or annoying that I did just a couple of weeks ago. I can handle the constant barrage of crying, needs and wants from the kids. It doesn't just sound like relentless noise anymore. I actually have some energy to pay attention to the kids and I can usually spot a meltdown before it's happening...and diffuse it. All of these things are working together to create a me that is so much more peaceful and easy going. Every night, just for some Mikki-blow-off-the-steam time, I crank up my music and the kids and I have a dance party for 3-4 songs...and I actually enjoy it. I mean, my god, do you know how long it's been since I have truly ENJOYED anything?
Kelly is getting there. She can feel the effects of the changed atmosphere of our house, but I think the peace of that is tempered a little bit by the weaning process and her grief over that. More on that in my next post. There are a lot of changes happening with Connor and her and she struggles with that a bit. Plus, she is still working. But it's been so helpful for her to come home to a relaxed, peaceful me. Honestly, I was so jacked up for so long that I think she started to believe that was who I had become. She's seeing a newer side of me and the effects of that will only continue.
What a glorious week. The weekend started off poorly with a broken furnace requiring full replacement to the tune of $3300. Lovely. And I haven't slept much because we are having to maintain the space heaters to keep it warm enough in here and I can't just let a space heater run. But this is a good example of change - because it hasn't phased me all that much. I am just relaxed enough that I can roll with it, work with it and move on. Taking Bailey to a birthday party this afternoon. I can't wait!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Subtle Transition
The transition feels easy this week. I say that knowing that it is rarely the first week of something that is the hardest. I expect that week 4 or 5 or 6 will be much harder.
I am doing well with this. I wouldn't say that this is easy, but I will say that it doesn't feel like work. WORK for me is having to do all the things that are outside of my comfort zone. It's not work to be with my children all day. It is exhausting, frustrating in moment, annoying in others and blissful in many. But it's not WORK. Work is having to deal with attorney egos and having to make nice when all I want to do is just roll my eyes. I hate the game of corporate america, even if I do pretty well in the jobs. It's just not me. THAT feels like work. This just feels like what I do.
Connor has had no noticable transition stuff. He's still being his funny, cute, beautiful baby self! Yesterday I went out and bought him shoes. $50 f-ing dollars for a pair of Stride Rites. I don't even spend that much on me. It's ridiculous. The problem is that his fat little feet are a 4 extra wide. And the cheapy places - Target, Walmart, Payless - don't make cheapy shoes that wide in his size. And the other thing is that I hate having to put him in shoes at all. We fully subscribe to the school of thought that says you don't put kids in shoes for as long as possible. It's better for their feet, better for their learning how to walk, better for everything. But, now that he's not in school and we are going to new places, I want to let him walk. It's just not safe for me to let him walk around in his sock feet on flooring that I don't know is clean. I would feel awful if he stepped on glass or a stray nail or whatever. So, shoes. The only saving grace is that they are super cute. But he absolute hates them. He even went so far as to attempt to spit on them in the store. Literally. Bent over and spit on the floor.
He's such a drama queen. Have I mentioned that yet? I mean a SERIOUS drama queen. I absolutely adore it.
Bailey is having an interesting reaction to being home with me. She's very, very clingy. She is hot and cold with Connor - generally, she wants what he is playing with and she gets visably angry with him if I give him any extra attention while she might be wanting some. She is also "nesting". I'm not sure what else to call it. She doesn't want to leave the house. She wants to stay in, do her workbooks, play, and watch TV. The problem is that I'm not going to let her walk TV all day (she already watches more than I'm comfortable with) and she gets stir crazy. She NEEDS the outside interaction and I need for her to have it. She has also given up napping. She spends about a hour in her room playing. She doesn't cry or hate it - she just doesn't sleep. This time is important for me, but not crucial. At least, not yet. I'm not sure what is going on with Bailey - if this is who she is and I just didn't really know it. Or if this transition. Or whatever. I am watching and seeing and will adjust as needed.
So all told, this has been a good week so far. We're only on Thursday...there are still a couple of days. I have had my moments, but I think it's been very sucessful. So far anyway.
I am doing well with this. I wouldn't say that this is easy, but I will say that it doesn't feel like work. WORK for me is having to do all the things that are outside of my comfort zone. It's not work to be with my children all day. It is exhausting, frustrating in moment, annoying in others and blissful in many. But it's not WORK. Work is having to deal with attorney egos and having to make nice when all I want to do is just roll my eyes. I hate the game of corporate america, even if I do pretty well in the jobs. It's just not me. THAT feels like work. This just feels like what I do.
Connor has had no noticable transition stuff. He's still being his funny, cute, beautiful baby self! Yesterday I went out and bought him shoes. $50 f-ing dollars for a pair of Stride Rites. I don't even spend that much on me. It's ridiculous. The problem is that his fat little feet are a 4 extra wide. And the cheapy places - Target, Walmart, Payless - don't make cheapy shoes that wide in his size. And the other thing is that I hate having to put him in shoes at all. We fully subscribe to the school of thought that says you don't put kids in shoes for as long as possible. It's better for their feet, better for their learning how to walk, better for everything. But, now that he's not in school and we are going to new places, I want to let him walk. It's just not safe for me to let him walk around in his sock feet on flooring that I don't know is clean. I would feel awful if he stepped on glass or a stray nail or whatever. So, shoes. The only saving grace is that they are super cute. But he absolute hates them. He even went so far as to attempt to spit on them in the store. Literally. Bent over and spit on the floor.
He's such a drama queen. Have I mentioned that yet? I mean a SERIOUS drama queen. I absolutely adore it.
Bailey is having an interesting reaction to being home with me. She's very, very clingy. She is hot and cold with Connor - generally, she wants what he is playing with and she gets visably angry with him if I give him any extra attention while she might be wanting some. She is also "nesting". I'm not sure what else to call it. She doesn't want to leave the house. She wants to stay in, do her workbooks, play, and watch TV. The problem is that I'm not going to let her walk TV all day (she already watches more than I'm comfortable with) and she gets stir crazy. She NEEDS the outside interaction and I need for her to have it. She has also given up napping. She spends about a hour in her room playing. She doesn't cry or hate it - she just doesn't sleep. This time is important for me, but not crucial. At least, not yet. I'm not sure what is going on with Bailey - if this is who she is and I just didn't really know it. Or if this transition. Or whatever. I am watching and seeing and will adjust as needed.
So all told, this has been a good week so far. We're only on Thursday...there are still a couple of days. I have had my moments, but I think it's been very sucessful. So far anyway.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
She's Logical
Day two has gone well. I had a long, long dentist appointment this morning, so Kelly stayed with the kids. Before I left, Bailey and I did our curriculum for the day. She already loves this time, as each sucessful page leads to a sticker!
Turns out that Bailey is really good at logic puzzles. I didn't realize that. One of many discoveries that I suspect I will have about our children. We were going a patterns/sequence thing with her. She was able to identifie what iten would come next after 4. The first was two umbrells, adnd two jackets. The question is what comes next? The umbrella. She ws right! I thought it might be a fluke, so I had her do it again. She did it 8 times, never making a mistake.
She's brilliant. And logical.
Turns out that Bailey is really good at logic puzzles. I didn't realize that. One of many discoveries that I suspect I will have about our children. We were going a patterns/sequence thing with her. She was able to identifie what iten would come next after 4. The first was two umbrells, adnd two jackets. The question is what comes next? The umbrella. She ws right! I thought it might be a fluke, so I had her do it again. She did it 8 times, never making a mistake.
She's brilliant. And logical.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Still On Vacation
Today is my first real day as a stay at home Momma. The kids are not in school. They are not going to school. But, I could still be on vacation. I don't think that it's sunk in yet.
For the kids, the change is immediate. For starters, if this were a school day, they would have been woken up an hour and a half ago. They would have already been brought to school and I would be racing for the bus.
Instead, they are both still in bed. They will wake up soon, I'm sure. But who knows? They can sleep as long as they want.
Our plan today is to get a bit of studying done - Bailey and I will work on her workbooks and letter recognition. We will also start reading a book that we will read on all week - Peter Pan, I think. Of course, Bailey could change her mind about that!!! Then, off to an art class at 10:00 AM. Then lunch. Then naps.
Day one...
OH - I'm not sure that this is significant, but on Friday, Kelly and I signed and had notarized our Maryland Domestic Partnership agreement. If DC actually is able to keep gay marriage legal, we'll see if we decide to make an appearance in front of the justice of the peace. We'll see.
For the kids, the change is immediate. For starters, if this were a school day, they would have been woken up an hour and a half ago. They would have already been brought to school and I would be racing for the bus.
Instead, they are both still in bed. They will wake up soon, I'm sure. But who knows? They can sleep as long as they want.
Our plan today is to get a bit of studying done - Bailey and I will work on her workbooks and letter recognition. We will also start reading a book that we will read on all week - Peter Pan, I think. Of course, Bailey could change her mind about that!!! Then, off to an art class at 10:00 AM. Then lunch. Then naps.
Day one...
OH - I'm not sure that this is significant, but on Friday, Kelly and I signed and had notarized our Maryland Domestic Partnership agreement. If DC actually is able to keep gay marriage legal, we'll see if we decide to make an appearance in front of the justice of the peace. We'll see.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Curriculum
Go ahead - laugh at me. I know you want to. Yes, the title of this post is curriculum and yes, I am developing the curriculum that I will use to continue Bailey's education and get Connor's started.
See, I need a plan. Always. I don't just let things happen. I like a plan. So, I am going to make some plans about what we will learn and then keep track of our progress. We are starting slowly - going over things she already knows.
Of course, I don't really know what I'm doing. This week, Bailey and I will study the letters A & B, numbers 1 & 2, and we will work on matching, mazes, colors, shapes, and finding opposites. We are also starting a book that will go through the entire week. My entire plan for her is no longer than a half hour each day. It's high energy - exciting. We will do it first thing in the morning, after breakfast, before we head out for our morning activities. The afternoon will be free for long naps, relaxing and making dinner.
I'm not sure where, or how, to start with Connor. I will read to him, of course. I will start letting him color and work with playdough. I pretty much feel like I am going to aid in his exploration for now. He's not really ready for any real instruction. We're going to work on fine motor skills - things like rolling balls, coloring, pounding with hammers, and stacking. Does that sound right?
So anyway. Curriculum starts on Monday.
Along with Art class on Monday morning. Tuesday mornings are free - and will probably be filled with playdates or other random fun. Wednesday is library day (a class for each, with a story, a song and a craft). Thursday is KidFit - a rhythm and dance class that both will be able to participate in. Friday mornings are reserved for grocery shopping. Every second Thursday of the month, we will attend our MOMS club meetings with our buddies. I will also start attending some of the events and playdates put on by the women in the organization.
See. I'm a planner. I don't do "easy" well. LOL
See, I need a plan. Always. I don't just let things happen. I like a plan. So, I am going to make some plans about what we will learn and then keep track of our progress. We are starting slowly - going over things she already knows.
Of course, I don't really know what I'm doing. This week, Bailey and I will study the letters A & B, numbers 1 & 2, and we will work on matching, mazes, colors, shapes, and finding opposites. We are also starting a book that will go through the entire week. My entire plan for her is no longer than a half hour each day. It's high energy - exciting. We will do it first thing in the morning, after breakfast, before we head out for our morning activities. The afternoon will be free for long naps, relaxing and making dinner.
I'm not sure where, or how, to start with Connor. I will read to him, of course. I will start letting him color and work with playdough. I pretty much feel like I am going to aid in his exploration for now. He's not really ready for any real instruction. We're going to work on fine motor skills - things like rolling balls, coloring, pounding with hammers, and stacking. Does that sound right?
So anyway. Curriculum starts on Monday.
Along with Art class on Monday morning. Tuesday mornings are free - and will probably be filled with playdates or other random fun. Wednesday is library day (a class for each, with a story, a song and a craft). Thursday is KidFit - a rhythm and dance class that both will be able to participate in. Friday mornings are reserved for grocery shopping. Every second Thursday of the month, we will attend our MOMS club meetings with our buddies. I will also start attending some of the events and playdates put on by the women in the organization.
See. I'm a planner. I don't do "easy" well. LOL
Friday, January 8, 2010
WHOA Girl!!!!
Dear God. Don't let me loose in the Educate & Celebrate store!
Bailey and Connor are now the proud owners of a full-sized calendar with a weather station, a "today is...tomorrow will be...yesterday was..." station, and holiday cards for the special days. Bailey also has a clock for learning to tell time. We've also got a potty chart and 750 reward stickers.
I have gotten online and started developing my curriculum ideas for their education. I want to make sure that they don't lose the progress they have gained.
With all that said - I am staying loose. I know you don't believe me. But I really am.
Especially today. The kids are back in school for their last day. Bailey gets to treat her friends to cupcakes and juice. Connor has a doctor's appointment this morning, but then will go to school. And me and Kelly? We're celebrating our last day of kids in school by seeing a movie this afternoon.
Speaking of celebrating...my beautiful wife and kids treated me to 18 long-stemmed red roses as a thank you for taking care of them. Have I ever mentioned how much I adore my family?
And in milestones - I would be failing the record if I didn't let you all know that as of yesterday afternoon, Connor's TWO top teeth finally broke through. The poor boy has been in some serious pain the last few days. But now, they have broken through. Hopefully we'll have a quiet few weeks before the next set start coming! Teething is the worst of all the development things, I think. It's painful, it's slow...it's painful. It effects all the majors - eating, sleeping and mood. It sucks, in short. But those little tiny teeth sure are cute when they pop through!
Bailey and Connor are now the proud owners of a full-sized calendar with a weather station, a "today is...tomorrow will be...yesterday was..." station, and holiday cards for the special days. Bailey also has a clock for learning to tell time. We've also got a potty chart and 750 reward stickers.
I have gotten online and started developing my curriculum ideas for their education. I want to make sure that they don't lose the progress they have gained.
With all that said - I am staying loose. I know you don't believe me. But I really am.
Especially today. The kids are back in school for their last day. Bailey gets to treat her friends to cupcakes and juice. Connor has a doctor's appointment this morning, but then will go to school. And me and Kelly? We're celebrating our last day of kids in school by seeing a movie this afternoon.
Speaking of celebrating...my beautiful wife and kids treated me to 18 long-stemmed red roses as a thank you for taking care of them. Have I ever mentioned how much I adore my family?
And in milestones - I would be failing the record if I didn't let you all know that as of yesterday afternoon, Connor's TWO top teeth finally broke through. The poor boy has been in some serious pain the last few days. But now, they have broken through. Hopefully we'll have a quiet few weeks before the next set start coming! Teething is the worst of all the development things, I think. It's painful, it's slow...it's painful. It effects all the majors - eating, sleeping and mood. It sucks, in short. But those little tiny teeth sure are cute when they pop through!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
A Whole New World
I didn't anticipate how emotional or how monumental the last few days would feel. Somehow, I imagined that I would just breeze through the transition on my own happiness and certainty.
In many ways I did just that. Until I looked at my boss. Or when I started packing up my office. Or when I sent the email office-wide that I was leaving. Or when I walked into the conference room full of the amazing women who have made these past four years so important.
The saddness of the last few days was about saying goodbye to a part of me - the working girl side of me - that I thought would ALWAYS be around. Sure, I dreamed of this opportunity, but I never really thought it would happen. Kelly and I never really thought this would ever be a financial option and then, after my PPD, we didn't think it would happen for a whole lot of other reasons.
I have loved working. If I could isolate the job from the stress the job put on my life, I would never want to stop working. I love being challenged daily. I love doing good work and seeing my efforts pay off. I love that I was a critical part of a team and that my presence made the department better. Mostly, I loved the people I worked with. Honestly, I couldn't ask for a better group of people to have shared the last 4 years of my life with. Good, hardworking, funny people who made every day worth it and enjoyable.
I am going to miss that. I am so happy that I get to do this. Really, I have no words to describe how excited I feel for this challenge. But right now, for a couple more days, I am going to let myself feel a bit sad as I say goodbye to the working woman in me who is taking a rest for now.
In many ways I did just that. Until I looked at my boss. Or when I started packing up my office. Or when I sent the email office-wide that I was leaving. Or when I walked into the conference room full of the amazing women who have made these past four years so important.
The saddness of the last few days was about saying goodbye to a part of me - the working girl side of me - that I thought would ALWAYS be around. Sure, I dreamed of this opportunity, but I never really thought it would happen. Kelly and I never really thought this would ever be a financial option and then, after my PPD, we didn't think it would happen for a whole lot of other reasons.
I have loved working. If I could isolate the job from the stress the job put on my life, I would never want to stop working. I love being challenged daily. I love doing good work and seeing my efforts pay off. I love that I was a critical part of a team and that my presence made the department better. Mostly, I loved the people I worked with. Honestly, I couldn't ask for a better group of people to have shared the last 4 years of my life with. Good, hardworking, funny people who made every day worth it and enjoyable.
I am going to miss that. I am so happy that I get to do this. Really, I have no words to describe how excited I feel for this challenge. But right now, for a couple more days, I am going to let myself feel a bit sad as I say goodbye to the working woman in me who is taking a rest for now.
Monday, January 4, 2010
My Heaven
I am wrapped up in the warmest blanket of sureness that I have ever felt. I am comfortable, confident, excited, happy, and certain. This is my last Monday as a working mother for a while and I have never been so certain that we have made the right decision for our family.
These are my people. The center of my universe. My purpose. I know the job that I face will have it's challenges. Probably big, huge ones that I can't even concieve of right now. But I also know that I know how do to this work. Loving them, caring for them, being the center of their worlds - that is the work of my life. It's in my marrow, so deeply ingrained in every part of my body that it cannot be seperated from the very essence of who I am.
Only one other time have I ever been this certain. The moment I launched myself into my love's arms and said "yes" to her marriage proposal. I say it now to my children and to my wife all over again.
Yes. Yes. Yes. A million times yes.
These are my people. The center of my universe. My purpose. I know the job that I face will have it's challenges. Probably big, huge ones that I can't even concieve of right now. But I also know that I know how do to this work. Loving them, caring for them, being the center of their worlds - that is the work of my life. It's in my marrow, so deeply ingrained in every part of my body that it cannot be seperated from the very essence of who I am.
Only one other time have I ever been this certain. The moment I launched myself into my love's arms and said "yes" to her marriage proposal. I say it now to my children and to my wife all over again.
Yes. Yes. Yes. A million times yes.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Sleep Heaven
Last night was sleep heaven. Our crap-ass sleeper had one of those sleep nights in his new room that felt like heaven. Down at 7:30 PM, up once at 2 AM to breast feed, back down without a fight and he's still sleeping.
I knew the kid needed his own room. I knew it.
We had a great time yesterday hanging out with Monica and Susanne (Susanica) and their two children. Danny is the same age as Bailey and they had a great time hanging out. At one point, toward the end of the day, Bailey dropped a guitar on Danny's face. No so great. She's seeming to be at the stage where she has to test the outer limits of acceptability on everything. Or she always wants the question of "what will happen if...." answered.
I felt horrible for Danny. He recovered quickly, but still.
Other than that, it was a great visit for all of us. Holding thier tiny new baby (he was born just a few weeks ago), made me realize a couple of things.
1) I would do it again if Kelly wanted to.
2) Connor is freakin' huge. He's NOT a tiny baby anymore.
One more "week" and it's a short one for work. Three more days, family of mine, until I am all yours.
I knew the kid needed his own room. I knew it.
We had a great time yesterday hanging out with Monica and Susanne (Susanica) and their two children. Danny is the same age as Bailey and they had a great time hanging out. At one point, toward the end of the day, Bailey dropped a guitar on Danny's face. No so great. She's seeming to be at the stage where she has to test the outer limits of acceptability on everything. Or she always wants the question of "what will happen if...." answered.
I felt horrible for Danny. He recovered quickly, but still.
Other than that, it was a great visit for all of us. Holding thier tiny new baby (he was born just a few weeks ago), made me realize a couple of things.
1) I would do it again if Kelly wanted to.
2) Connor is freakin' huge. He's NOT a tiny baby anymore.
One more "week" and it's a short one for work. Three more days, family of mine, until I am all yours.
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year...New Room
Much the way that K and I always do things, we are transition C into his own room with a mix of her needs being met and my needs being met.
He's there, in his own room. Last night was the first night. But we didn't make him cry it out. And we won't for a while. For last night, we reponded to him twice. He woke up around 11 and we went and got him. Brought him back to our bed for feeding. He struggled to go back to sleep and at around 11:45, I ended up leaving him in his room to whine himself back to sleep.
He wasn't freaking out. He wasn't even really crying. When I left him (after watching him and consoling him for 15 minutes), he wasn't standing. He was laying on his side, clutching the mommy-scented t-shirt we had given him and whining. Wimpering, if you ask K. But I left him and shut the door and went back into our bedroom to coach his hurting Mommy through the process.
I knew it would be okay because he wasn't frantic. He wasn't freakin' out. He wasn't going crazy. Even still, she peppered me with questions, "Do you think he's standing up?" "Do you think he is scared?" "I know he is physically safe, but what about emotionally?"
Ah, my beautiful wife and her love for this child that she birthed. She felt every cry, every whimper, every moan like a physical blow to her body. And still, she laid beside me and endured the pain. And within 15 minutes, our beautiful boy had gone to sleep.
She had me check on him, and sure enough, he was sound asleep. Wrapped up in her t-shirt. I get that. I used to do the same thing when we lived in seperate states.
C was up again at 4 AM. I went and got him and brought him to the waiting arms and breast of his Mommy. She fed him and he fell asleep in her arms. She carried him back into his crib and put him down. He didn't wake this time. It's now been 2 1/2 hours and he's still sleeping. I'm not sure that C has ever slept past 6 AM.
I call it a success. We rung in the new year listening to our son cry, but we also rung in the new year together, in our bed without children. The good with the bad. The hard with the sweet. This is livin' at it's most honest for us.
Happy New Year and welcome 2010. I suspect that this will be the best year of my life...
He's there, in his own room. Last night was the first night. But we didn't make him cry it out. And we won't for a while. For last night, we reponded to him twice. He woke up around 11 and we went and got him. Brought him back to our bed for feeding. He struggled to go back to sleep and at around 11:45, I ended up leaving him in his room to whine himself back to sleep.
He wasn't freaking out. He wasn't even really crying. When I left him (after watching him and consoling him for 15 minutes), he wasn't standing. He was laying on his side, clutching the mommy-scented t-shirt we had given him and whining. Wimpering, if you ask K. But I left him and shut the door and went back into our bedroom to coach his hurting Mommy through the process.
I knew it would be okay because he wasn't frantic. He wasn't freakin' out. He wasn't going crazy. Even still, she peppered me with questions, "Do you think he's standing up?" "Do you think he is scared?" "I know he is physically safe, but what about emotionally?"
Ah, my beautiful wife and her love for this child that she birthed. She felt every cry, every whimper, every moan like a physical blow to her body. And still, she laid beside me and endured the pain. And within 15 minutes, our beautiful boy had gone to sleep.
She had me check on him, and sure enough, he was sound asleep. Wrapped up in her t-shirt. I get that. I used to do the same thing when we lived in seperate states.
C was up again at 4 AM. I went and got him and brought him to the waiting arms and breast of his Mommy. She fed him and he fell asleep in her arms. She carried him back into his crib and put him down. He didn't wake this time. It's now been 2 1/2 hours and he's still sleeping. I'm not sure that C has ever slept past 6 AM.
I call it a success. We rung in the new year listening to our son cry, but we also rung in the new year together, in our bed without children. The good with the bad. The hard with the sweet. This is livin' at it's most honest for us.
Happy New Year and welcome 2010. I suspect that this will be the best year of my life...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
