So, a week ago (Thursday of last week), Bailey decided that she was ready to be potty trained! Her diapers no longer fit her and she was ready to wear panties. And so she put the panties on and hasn't looked back. She's had three accidents. Those happened in the first 3 days. One of them was when I forgot to put a pullup on her during nap. She peed her bed. The other two were about not wanting to stop her activity. She is pooping without drama on the potty. She has used public toilets, gone on hour long car trips, and tells me whenever she needs help. She just doesn't struggle with this. She was ready and she did it on her own. I am a support player in this adventure. Pullups still while she is sleeping, but she knows that when she starts using her potty at night (it is in her room with her), she will be able to start wearing panties. When she is ready...
We are unbelievably proud of our baby girl...
I find myself being so amazed these days. I never thought that I could be this happy doing this job. I just wouldn't have believed it if you had told me that I would be good at this or that I would find a sense of peace. Really, I can't believe it took me so long to make this change. I have never been more confident as a woman or mother. This hasn't been the magic cure for all of the normal stressors. My marriage is still a source of struggle and there is all the normal stress of parenting two young children. But my relationship with me has seen such a dramatic improvement that I feel like a different person. I always carried around so much guilt and doubt. I wondered all the time if I was doing the right thing and I felt like I didn't really know my children. I cared for them, but the hour a day that they were in my direct care wasn't enough to build that deep knowledge of who these two people are. I also didn't know me. I knew that I wanted this, but I was so convinced that I couldn't do it. I was so afraid of failure that I
didn't allow myself to believe that I was capable. The dramatic effect that self-doubt had on my self-confidence as a woman and a mother was so damaging.
But that is over now. I have never been stronger in my role of Momma to these children. I trust myself and my instincts completely with them. Two months into this, and I know them so well they are almost like part of my brain. Because I am with them all the time, I carry no guilt when it's time to be a hardass. I am able to set boundaries and expectations for behavior and enforce them, know that 15 minutes later, when the storm has passed, I still have all day to be with them. We have such a good thing going.
I feel so blessed!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Brick Wall
That's how I visualize myself when I'm having to enforce boundaries, rules, and expectations with our kids. I see the behavior and I visualize myself as the brick wall between it and the kids. On the other side of the wall is the outcome of the bad behavior and on this side is Bailey or Connor. I decide where the line is and then erect the wall. This allows me to (attempt) to stay strong in the face of whatever reaction my kids may have when coming up against that brick wall.
I don't expect them to not be human. I expect them to feel out the boundaries and try to breech them. I know that they will experience frustration and anger when they can't get their way. When they freak out, I try to picture myself as a teflon pan - nothing sticks, it all slides off me.
Of course, it doesn't work all the time. Some days it doesn't work at all. God, it's hard sometimes. Now that there are two of them pushing the rules all the time, and the various fits, frustrations and consequences...it's exhausting. And I feel like I spend all my time being a hardass. But, I don't feel like there is room for error. I really believe that kids need strong boundaries. I don't feel like they are developed enough to set them on their own, and that we are the only thing between them and complete anarchy.
Dramatic, I know. But, when I get lax, the two of them go Lord of the Flies on me.
I'll be happy when we've gotten them both through 3. And then, we can begin preparing for pre-teen...
I don't expect them to not be human. I expect them to feel out the boundaries and try to breech them. I know that they will experience frustration and anger when they can't get their way. When they freak out, I try to picture myself as a teflon pan - nothing sticks, it all slides off me.
Of course, it doesn't work all the time. Some days it doesn't work at all. God, it's hard sometimes. Now that there are two of them pushing the rules all the time, and the various fits, frustrations and consequences...it's exhausting. And I feel like I spend all my time being a hardass. But, I don't feel like there is room for error. I really believe that kids need strong boundaries. I don't feel like they are developed enough to set them on their own, and that we are the only thing between them and complete anarchy.
Dramatic, I know. But, when I get lax, the two of them go Lord of the Flies on me.
I'll be happy when we've gotten them both through 3. And then, we can begin preparing for pre-teen...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Responsibility
You know, I didn't care much when I was a woman who worked outside the home. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed doing a good job at work and being a critical member of whatever team I was on at the time. My last job - as BD Coordinator - was the most difficult for me because the work was NOT great for me. But, again, I didn't care all that much. My job was just what I did to pay the bills. It was a means to an end.
But this job of mine - Chief Caretaker of My Children - is something I care very deeply about. The outcome rests almost completely in my court. If I fuck them up, well...it's MY fault. I get overwhelmed by that awesome responsibility whenever I think about it too much. If you know me, you know that doing something half-assed or being less than the best is really hard for me. My expectations of myself are astronomically high. I expect and require near perfection from me, and when I am unable to meet that expectation, I better be able to say that I gave it 100% and tried as hard as I could.
The problem is that parenting just doesn't work that way. It's NOT a neatly typed job description with clear tasks and detailed critical skills. It is messy and imperfect. My "evaluation" isn't written on a piece of paper and there is no manager telling me if I am doing my job and where I could improve. It all falls to me.
I'm not sure what my point is, except that every day I wake up and try to make the best possible decisions I can for my children. And every day I have successes and failures. On days like yesterday, when my son spent hours whiny and on the floor throwing fits, I question if I am doing this right. But then, he masters some new skill or launches himself into my arms, and I think maybe I am not fucking it up. Bailey came over to me the other day and nestled herself into my arms, rested her head on my breast and wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me into her hug. She looked up at me and said "I love my Momma". I felt better, and more confident, in that moment than I have ever felt sitting in any job review. And I've had some pretty good job reviews.
The thing of it is, though, is that as mothers we carry this awesome load of tasks. That things that need to get done in any day is ridiculous. But we also carry around the weight of responsibility. We carry our children's future. We are tasked with giving the tangible and the infinitely more important intangible.
But this job of mine - Chief Caretaker of My Children - is something I care very deeply about. The outcome rests almost completely in my court. If I fuck them up, well...it's MY fault. I get overwhelmed by that awesome responsibility whenever I think about it too much. If you know me, you know that doing something half-assed or being less than the best is really hard for me. My expectations of myself are astronomically high. I expect and require near perfection from me, and when I am unable to meet that expectation, I better be able to say that I gave it 100% and tried as hard as I could.
The problem is that parenting just doesn't work that way. It's NOT a neatly typed job description with clear tasks and detailed critical skills. It is messy and imperfect. My "evaluation" isn't written on a piece of paper and there is no manager telling me if I am doing my job and where I could improve. It all falls to me.
I'm not sure what my point is, except that every day I wake up and try to make the best possible decisions I can for my children. And every day I have successes and failures. On days like yesterday, when my son spent hours whiny and on the floor throwing fits, I question if I am doing this right. But then, he masters some new skill or launches himself into my arms, and I think maybe I am not fucking it up. Bailey came over to me the other day and nestled herself into my arms, rested her head on my breast and wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me into her hug. She looked up at me and said "I love my Momma". I felt better, and more confident, in that moment than I have ever felt sitting in any job review. And I've had some pretty good job reviews.
The thing of it is, though, is that as mothers we carry this awesome load of tasks. That things that need to get done in any day is ridiculous. But we also carry around the weight of responsibility. We carry our children's future. We are tasked with giving the tangible and the infinitely more important intangible.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Growth
This family of ours is growing quickly. Every day I wake up and want to blog about all that is happening, but then I look up and it's time to start preparing dinner. And there is a relentless march of diapers, feeding, activities, resting, comforting, cooking and kisses. I am busier as a stay at home Momma than I have ever been, with much less time for simple things like blogging.
I am also still 100% certain that I am doing the right thing for this time in our family's life. These two children belong home with me and this is what they need. We are still figuring it out - each week presents a new set of challenges and changes. I am certainly learning as I go. There is no room for doubt or even much thought about my decisions. I make 10,000 decisions in every day and the only measure of success I have is the outcome. I fail a lot, but I adjust and we are getting there.
Our kids are pretty spectacular. I know I am biased...and I would be a shitty parent if I were not biased. But, they are pretty cool, I think. Connor is feeling out his boundries these days - he is very whiny, clingy and does what he knows he should not on a regular basis. We are working on it, but he is very different than his sister and I have not yet found the buttons that push him through those moments. Where Bailey is a white hot flash in the pan, Connor is a slow, rolling boil. A fit can last for a very long time, never escalating past constant whining. But, boy, that whiny is relentless. I don't tolerate whiny. Or at least, that is how it works with Bailey. She whines, I ignore, it ends. But that doesn't work with Connor. Ignoring distresses him, sending him into full blown sobs and classic cryfests on the floor that go on and on and on. I think this is manipulation - he's figured out what works. But, boy, it's hard. And time consuming. He would like constant attention.
With that said, he is also making huge strides forward. He is eating solid food - no baby food. He is sleeping through the night and napping well. And he is sweet and mischevious. He really is a great kid and his sweetness is unmatched.
It's still a transition. Less so for the kids. Bailey never mentions school anymore and has come to expect our daily routine. But I am still getting comfortable in my new role. It's working.
I am also still 100% certain that I am doing the right thing for this time in our family's life. These two children belong home with me and this is what they need. We are still figuring it out - each week presents a new set of challenges and changes. I am certainly learning as I go. There is no room for doubt or even much thought about my decisions. I make 10,000 decisions in every day and the only measure of success I have is the outcome. I fail a lot, but I adjust and we are getting there.
Our kids are pretty spectacular. I know I am biased...and I would be a shitty parent if I were not biased. But, they are pretty cool, I think. Connor is feeling out his boundries these days - he is very whiny, clingy and does what he knows he should not on a regular basis. We are working on it, but he is very different than his sister and I have not yet found the buttons that push him through those moments. Where Bailey is a white hot flash in the pan, Connor is a slow, rolling boil. A fit can last for a very long time, never escalating past constant whining. But, boy, that whiny is relentless. I don't tolerate whiny. Or at least, that is how it works with Bailey. She whines, I ignore, it ends. But that doesn't work with Connor. Ignoring distresses him, sending him into full blown sobs and classic cryfests on the floor that go on and on and on. I think this is manipulation - he's figured out what works. But, boy, it's hard. And time consuming. He would like constant attention.
With that said, he is also making huge strides forward. He is eating solid food - no baby food. He is sleeping through the night and napping well. And he is sweet and mischevious. He really is a great kid and his sweetness is unmatched.
It's still a transition. Less so for the kids. Bailey never mentions school anymore and has come to expect our daily routine. But I am still getting comfortable in my new role. It's working.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Honeymoon
That blissful honeymoon phase that this family has existed in for the first 6 weeks of my staying home has ended. Not so much for me, but for the kids. And certainly for my relationship.
So me first - since I think it's the best and easiest. I am loving this. Still. Every day. Even the really difficult ones (like today). I watched the neighbors getting their kids up and out super early (they have young children) and all I felt was relief. I watch Kelly leave for work each day and I don't feel even the tiniest twinge of regret. I liked my job - but that is all it was. A job. Not a career. Certainly not a passion. I am more certain now, six weeks later, that I have made the absolute right choice. I have no second thoughts. No desire to make any changes. Even the stuff that is irritating as hell - like when they whine in tandem - isn't enough to make any other option seem more appealing. This is exactly what I am meant to be doing at this time in my life.
The kids, who have really enjoyed the change and who have flourished under my continuous care, are starting to show some signs of weariness. The super good, excited to be together energy that has permeated every day is changing. Of course, it is more obvious with Bailey than with Connor. The age difference and language differences make their experiences very different. Bailey throws fits about everything - but she is consistent about throwing a fit whenever it is time to turn off the TV. It's gotten so bad that I am contemplating doing a complete TV detox. 100%. But that means I have to detox too - not from TV, cause I rarely watch - but from the free time that the TV gives me. She is less about clinging to me and more and more about wanting to plug herself into the boob tube and just stay there. All day. It sucks. Connor has gotten more clingy, not less. And lord, that child can cry. And he makes the real tears come. Our little boy is not messing around. Oh no. Not Connor. He gets ridiculously devastated if you don't pick him up immediately when requested. He can't handle being even the slightest bit hungry or tired. And whenever anything is out of place, out of step, out of routine, he comes running and it takes a long time to untangle yourself from him. And then 10 minutes later, he's back.
All of which is fine. Honestly. I really do love this. But when he's falling apart because he won't got to sleep and she is throwing the motherload of all screaming fits because I turned off the TV...and they are doing this at the same time, well...it could drive me to drink. It's pure insanity and it only takes about 15 minutes before my patience is all gone and Momma is all done. Today, they did it for an hour. At the same time. It really sucked.
All told, though, the kids have adjusted really well. Connor has slept through the night for three nights now. Hopefully tonight will make the 4th night. "Through the night" means in bed around 7ish and not up again until 7ish. AMEN! I love sleep. Bailey is delighted to find me every morning and seems so happy that we get to stay together all day.
Kelly and I are still together. Hanging in there. Barely in some moments...but still there. I think it is safe to say that of any relationship in this household, the one between us is the weakest. Parenting a toddler and a brand new one year old is hard. At least, it's hard for us. And I mean "us" in the full on "couple" meaning. Our relationship always gets pushed away and trying to maintain a marriage in the face of that is fucked up. But, we're working through it. I have no doubt that we are strong enough to survive this period, and even enjoy it in moments. She is my best friend, afterall.
That's all for now. More later!
So me first - since I think it's the best and easiest. I am loving this. Still. Every day. Even the really difficult ones (like today). I watched the neighbors getting their kids up and out super early (they have young children) and all I felt was relief. I watch Kelly leave for work each day and I don't feel even the tiniest twinge of regret. I liked my job - but that is all it was. A job. Not a career. Certainly not a passion. I am more certain now, six weeks later, that I have made the absolute right choice. I have no second thoughts. No desire to make any changes. Even the stuff that is irritating as hell - like when they whine in tandem - isn't enough to make any other option seem more appealing. This is exactly what I am meant to be doing at this time in my life.
The kids, who have really enjoyed the change and who have flourished under my continuous care, are starting to show some signs of weariness. The super good, excited to be together energy that has permeated every day is changing. Of course, it is more obvious with Bailey than with Connor. The age difference and language differences make their experiences very different. Bailey throws fits about everything - but she is consistent about throwing a fit whenever it is time to turn off the TV. It's gotten so bad that I am contemplating doing a complete TV detox. 100%. But that means I have to detox too - not from TV, cause I rarely watch - but from the free time that the TV gives me. She is less about clinging to me and more and more about wanting to plug herself into the boob tube and just stay there. All day. It sucks. Connor has gotten more clingy, not less. And lord, that child can cry. And he makes the real tears come. Our little boy is not messing around. Oh no. Not Connor. He gets ridiculously devastated if you don't pick him up immediately when requested. He can't handle being even the slightest bit hungry or tired. And whenever anything is out of place, out of step, out of routine, he comes running and it takes a long time to untangle yourself from him. And then 10 minutes later, he's back.
All of which is fine. Honestly. I really do love this. But when he's falling apart because he won't got to sleep and she is throwing the motherload of all screaming fits because I turned off the TV...and they are doing this at the same time, well...it could drive me to drink. It's pure insanity and it only takes about 15 minutes before my patience is all gone and Momma is all done. Today, they did it for an hour. At the same time. It really sucked.
All told, though, the kids have adjusted really well. Connor has slept through the night for three nights now. Hopefully tonight will make the 4th night. "Through the night" means in bed around 7ish and not up again until 7ish. AMEN! I love sleep. Bailey is delighted to find me every morning and seems so happy that we get to stay together all day.
Kelly and I are still together. Hanging in there. Barely in some moments...but still there. I think it is safe to say that of any relationship in this household, the one between us is the weakest. Parenting a toddler and a brand new one year old is hard. At least, it's hard for us. And I mean "us" in the full on "couple" meaning. Our relationship always gets pushed away and trying to maintain a marriage in the face of that is fucked up. But, we're working through it. I have no doubt that we are strong enough to survive this period, and even enjoy it in moments. She is my best friend, afterall.
That's all for now. More later!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Our Beautiful Son
One year ago, today, you were in the nursery of Civista Hospital. Your Mommy was being sewn up in the OR and I was waiting, wondering how you both were.
In that moment, beautiful boy, I knew I loved you. Not just in the way that you would expect, but in that bone-crushing, soul-shattering way that you will not understand until your own children are born.
In this past year, you have taken up permanent residence in our hearts, our souls...in every breath of our lives. Oh, Connor, there are no words for the way that we love you. You are the sweetest, most loving child. Your love, your joy - they spill over, infecting all of us with smiles. Your pout, used frequently, is so cute it melts me every time.
I can see the drama in you, and I love it so much. You are into every thing. You are full of life, exporing every nook and crany and under every thing you can turn over.
Happy Birthday, Connor Buddy. From the deepest part of our hearts. We love you.
In that moment, beautiful boy, I knew I loved you. Not just in the way that you would expect, but in that bone-crushing, soul-shattering way that you will not understand until your own children are born.
In this past year, you have taken up permanent residence in our hearts, our souls...in every breath of our lives. Oh, Connor, there are no words for the way that we love you. You are the sweetest, most loving child. Your love, your joy - they spill over, infecting all of us with smiles. Your pout, used frequently, is so cute it melts me every time.
I can see the drama in you, and I love it so much. You are into every thing. You are full of life, exporing every nook and crany and under every thing you can turn over.
Happy Birthday, Connor Buddy. From the deepest part of our hearts. We love you.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Rough Day
Well, it seems that rough days DO still happen. Today was the roughest I remember in a long time. Both kids were Whiny all day. The only saving grace was that other than a few horrid moments, they were not whiny at the same time.
And I can't even eat for comfort. I started working out this morning again and I'll be damned if I am going to eat away all that work.
I can't wait to go to bed and bury my head.
And I can't even eat for comfort. I started working out this morning again and I'll be damned if I am going to eat away all that work.
I can't wait to go to bed and bury my head.
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