Responsibility

You know, I didn't care much when I was a woman who worked outside the home. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed doing a good job at work and being a critical member of whatever team I was on at the time. My last job - as BD Coordinator - was the most difficult for me because the work was NOT great for me. But, again, I didn't care all that much. My job was just what I did to pay the bills. It was a means to an end.

But this job of mine - Chief Caretaker of My Children - is something I care very deeply about. The outcome rests almost completely in my court. If I fuck them up, well...it's MY fault. I get overwhelmed by that awesome responsibility whenever I think about it too much. If you know me, you know that doing something half-assed or being less than the best is really hard for me. My expectations of myself are astronomically high. I expect and require near perfection from me, and when I am unable to meet that expectation, I better be able to say that I gave it 100% and tried as hard as I could.

The problem is that parenting just doesn't work that way. It's NOT a neatly typed job description with clear tasks and detailed critical skills. It is messy and imperfect. My "evaluation" isn't written on a piece of paper and there is no manager telling me if I am doing my job and where I could improve. It all falls to me.

I'm not sure what my point is, except that every day I wake up and try to make the best possible decisions I can for my children. And every day I have successes and failures. On days like yesterday, when my son spent hours whiny and on the floor throwing fits, I question if I am doing this right. But then, he masters some new skill or launches himself into my arms, and I think maybe I am not fucking it up. Bailey came over to me the other day and nestled herself into my arms, rested her head on my breast and wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me into her hug. She looked up at me and said "I love my Momma". I felt better, and more confident, in that moment than I have ever felt sitting in any job review. And I've had some pretty good job reviews.

The thing of it is, though, is that as mothers we carry this awesome load of tasks. That things that need to get done in any day is ridiculous. But we also carry around the weight of responsibility. We carry our children's future. We are tasked with giving the tangible and the infinitely more important intangible.