You know, I didn't care much when I was a woman who worked outside the home. Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed doing a good job at work and being a critical member of whatever team I was on at the time. My last job - as BD Coordinator - was the most difficult for me because the work was NOT great for me. But, again, I didn't care all that much. My job was just what I did to pay the bills. It was a means to an end.
But this job of mine - Chief Caretaker of My Children - is something I care very deeply about. The outcome rests almost completely in my court. If I fuck them up, well...it's MY fault. I get overwhelmed by that awesome responsibility whenever I think about it too much. If you know me, you know that doing something half-assed or being less than the best is really hard for me. My expectations of myself are astronomically high. I expect and require near perfection from me, and when I am unable to meet that expectation, I better be able to say that I gave it 100% and tried as hard as I could.
The problem is that parenting just doesn't work that way. It's NOT a neatly typed job description with clear tasks and detailed critical skills. It is messy and imperfect. My "evaluation" isn't written on a piece of paper and there is no manager telling me if I am doing my job and where I could improve. It all falls to me.
I'm not sure what my point is, except that every day I wake up and try to make the best possible decisions I can for my children. And every day I have successes and failures. On days like yesterday, when my son spent hours whiny and on the floor throwing fits, I question if I am doing this right. But then, he masters some new skill or launches himself into my arms, and I think maybe I am not fucking it up. Bailey came over to me the other day and nestled herself into my arms, rested her head on my breast and wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me into her hug. She looked up at me and said "I love my Momma". I felt better, and more confident, in that moment than I have ever felt sitting in any job review. And I've had some pretty good job reviews.
The thing of it is, though, is that as mothers we carry this awesome load of tasks. That things that need to get done in any day is ridiculous. But we also carry around the weight of responsibility. We carry our children's future. We are tasked with giving the tangible and the infinitely more important intangible.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Growth
This family of ours is growing quickly. Every day I wake up and want to blog about all that is happening, but then I look up and it's time to start preparing dinner. And there is a relentless march of diapers, feeding, activities, resting, comforting, cooking and kisses. I am busier as a stay at home Momma than I have ever been, with much less time for simple things like blogging.
I am also still 100% certain that I am doing the right thing for this time in our family's life. These two children belong home with me and this is what they need. We are still figuring it out - each week presents a new set of challenges and changes. I am certainly learning as I go. There is no room for doubt or even much thought about my decisions. I make 10,000 decisions in every day and the only measure of success I have is the outcome. I fail a lot, but I adjust and we are getting there.
Our kids are pretty spectacular. I know I am biased...and I would be a shitty parent if I were not biased. But, they are pretty cool, I think. Connor is feeling out his boundries these days - he is very whiny, clingy and does what he knows he should not on a regular basis. We are working on it, but he is very different than his sister and I have not yet found the buttons that push him through those moments. Where Bailey is a white hot flash in the pan, Connor is a slow, rolling boil. A fit can last for a very long time, never escalating past constant whining. But, boy, that whiny is relentless. I don't tolerate whiny. Or at least, that is how it works with Bailey. She whines, I ignore, it ends. But that doesn't work with Connor. Ignoring distresses him, sending him into full blown sobs and classic cryfests on the floor that go on and on and on. I think this is manipulation - he's figured out what works. But, boy, it's hard. And time consuming. He would like constant attention.
With that said, he is also making huge strides forward. He is eating solid food - no baby food. He is sleeping through the night and napping well. And he is sweet and mischevious. He really is a great kid and his sweetness is unmatched.
It's still a transition. Less so for the kids. Bailey never mentions school anymore and has come to expect our daily routine. But I am still getting comfortable in my new role. It's working.
I am also still 100% certain that I am doing the right thing for this time in our family's life. These two children belong home with me and this is what they need. We are still figuring it out - each week presents a new set of challenges and changes. I am certainly learning as I go. There is no room for doubt or even much thought about my decisions. I make 10,000 decisions in every day and the only measure of success I have is the outcome. I fail a lot, but I adjust and we are getting there.
Our kids are pretty spectacular. I know I am biased...and I would be a shitty parent if I were not biased. But, they are pretty cool, I think. Connor is feeling out his boundries these days - he is very whiny, clingy and does what he knows he should not on a regular basis. We are working on it, but he is very different than his sister and I have not yet found the buttons that push him through those moments. Where Bailey is a white hot flash in the pan, Connor is a slow, rolling boil. A fit can last for a very long time, never escalating past constant whining. But, boy, that whiny is relentless. I don't tolerate whiny. Or at least, that is how it works with Bailey. She whines, I ignore, it ends. But that doesn't work with Connor. Ignoring distresses him, sending him into full blown sobs and classic cryfests on the floor that go on and on and on. I think this is manipulation - he's figured out what works. But, boy, it's hard. And time consuming. He would like constant attention.
With that said, he is also making huge strides forward. He is eating solid food - no baby food. He is sleeping through the night and napping well. And he is sweet and mischevious. He really is a great kid and his sweetness is unmatched.
It's still a transition. Less so for the kids. Bailey never mentions school anymore and has come to expect our daily routine. But I am still getting comfortable in my new role. It's working.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Honeymoon
That blissful honeymoon phase that this family has existed in for the first 6 weeks of my staying home has ended. Not so much for me, but for the kids. And certainly for my relationship.
So me first - since I think it's the best and easiest. I am loving this. Still. Every day. Even the really difficult ones (like today). I watched the neighbors getting their kids up and out super early (they have young children) and all I felt was relief. I watch Kelly leave for work each day and I don't feel even the tiniest twinge of regret. I liked my job - but that is all it was. A job. Not a career. Certainly not a passion. I am more certain now, six weeks later, that I have made the absolute right choice. I have no second thoughts. No desire to make any changes. Even the stuff that is irritating as hell - like when they whine in tandem - isn't enough to make any other option seem more appealing. This is exactly what I am meant to be doing at this time in my life.
The kids, who have really enjoyed the change and who have flourished under my continuous care, are starting to show some signs of weariness. The super good, excited to be together energy that has permeated every day is changing. Of course, it is more obvious with Bailey than with Connor. The age difference and language differences make their experiences very different. Bailey throws fits about everything - but she is consistent about throwing a fit whenever it is time to turn off the TV. It's gotten so bad that I am contemplating doing a complete TV detox. 100%. But that means I have to detox too - not from TV, cause I rarely watch - but from the free time that the TV gives me. She is less about clinging to me and more and more about wanting to plug herself into the boob tube and just stay there. All day. It sucks. Connor has gotten more clingy, not less. And lord, that child can cry. And he makes the real tears come. Our little boy is not messing around. Oh no. Not Connor. He gets ridiculously devastated if you don't pick him up immediately when requested. He can't handle being even the slightest bit hungry or tired. And whenever anything is out of place, out of step, out of routine, he comes running and it takes a long time to untangle yourself from him. And then 10 minutes later, he's back.
All of which is fine. Honestly. I really do love this. But when he's falling apart because he won't got to sleep and she is throwing the motherload of all screaming fits because I turned off the TV...and they are doing this at the same time, well...it could drive me to drink. It's pure insanity and it only takes about 15 minutes before my patience is all gone and Momma is all done. Today, they did it for an hour. At the same time. It really sucked.
All told, though, the kids have adjusted really well. Connor has slept through the night for three nights now. Hopefully tonight will make the 4th night. "Through the night" means in bed around 7ish and not up again until 7ish. AMEN! I love sleep. Bailey is delighted to find me every morning and seems so happy that we get to stay together all day.
Kelly and I are still together. Hanging in there. Barely in some moments...but still there. I think it is safe to say that of any relationship in this household, the one between us is the weakest. Parenting a toddler and a brand new one year old is hard. At least, it's hard for us. And I mean "us" in the full on "couple" meaning. Our relationship always gets pushed away and trying to maintain a marriage in the face of that is fucked up. But, we're working through it. I have no doubt that we are strong enough to survive this period, and even enjoy it in moments. She is my best friend, afterall.
That's all for now. More later!
So me first - since I think it's the best and easiest. I am loving this. Still. Every day. Even the really difficult ones (like today). I watched the neighbors getting their kids up and out super early (they have young children) and all I felt was relief. I watch Kelly leave for work each day and I don't feel even the tiniest twinge of regret. I liked my job - but that is all it was. A job. Not a career. Certainly not a passion. I am more certain now, six weeks later, that I have made the absolute right choice. I have no second thoughts. No desire to make any changes. Even the stuff that is irritating as hell - like when they whine in tandem - isn't enough to make any other option seem more appealing. This is exactly what I am meant to be doing at this time in my life.
The kids, who have really enjoyed the change and who have flourished under my continuous care, are starting to show some signs of weariness. The super good, excited to be together energy that has permeated every day is changing. Of course, it is more obvious with Bailey than with Connor. The age difference and language differences make their experiences very different. Bailey throws fits about everything - but she is consistent about throwing a fit whenever it is time to turn off the TV. It's gotten so bad that I am contemplating doing a complete TV detox. 100%. But that means I have to detox too - not from TV, cause I rarely watch - but from the free time that the TV gives me. She is less about clinging to me and more and more about wanting to plug herself into the boob tube and just stay there. All day. It sucks. Connor has gotten more clingy, not less. And lord, that child can cry. And he makes the real tears come. Our little boy is not messing around. Oh no. Not Connor. He gets ridiculously devastated if you don't pick him up immediately when requested. He can't handle being even the slightest bit hungry or tired. And whenever anything is out of place, out of step, out of routine, he comes running and it takes a long time to untangle yourself from him. And then 10 minutes later, he's back.
All of which is fine. Honestly. I really do love this. But when he's falling apart because he won't got to sleep and she is throwing the motherload of all screaming fits because I turned off the TV...and they are doing this at the same time, well...it could drive me to drink. It's pure insanity and it only takes about 15 minutes before my patience is all gone and Momma is all done. Today, they did it for an hour. At the same time. It really sucked.
All told, though, the kids have adjusted really well. Connor has slept through the night for three nights now. Hopefully tonight will make the 4th night. "Through the night" means in bed around 7ish and not up again until 7ish. AMEN! I love sleep. Bailey is delighted to find me every morning and seems so happy that we get to stay together all day.
Kelly and I are still together. Hanging in there. Barely in some moments...but still there. I think it is safe to say that of any relationship in this household, the one between us is the weakest. Parenting a toddler and a brand new one year old is hard. At least, it's hard for us. And I mean "us" in the full on "couple" meaning. Our relationship always gets pushed away and trying to maintain a marriage in the face of that is fucked up. But, we're working through it. I have no doubt that we are strong enough to survive this period, and even enjoy it in moments. She is my best friend, afterall.
That's all for now. More later!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Our Beautiful Son
One year ago, today, you were in the nursery of Civista Hospital. Your Mommy was being sewn up in the OR and I was waiting, wondering how you both were.
In that moment, beautiful boy, I knew I loved you. Not just in the way that you would expect, but in that bone-crushing, soul-shattering way that you will not understand until your own children are born.
In this past year, you have taken up permanent residence in our hearts, our souls...in every breath of our lives. Oh, Connor, there are no words for the way that we love you. You are the sweetest, most loving child. Your love, your joy - they spill over, infecting all of us with smiles. Your pout, used frequently, is so cute it melts me every time.
I can see the drama in you, and I love it so much. You are into every thing. You are full of life, exporing every nook and crany and under every thing you can turn over.
Happy Birthday, Connor Buddy. From the deepest part of our hearts. We love you.
In that moment, beautiful boy, I knew I loved you. Not just in the way that you would expect, but in that bone-crushing, soul-shattering way that you will not understand until your own children are born.
In this past year, you have taken up permanent residence in our hearts, our souls...in every breath of our lives. Oh, Connor, there are no words for the way that we love you. You are the sweetest, most loving child. Your love, your joy - they spill over, infecting all of us with smiles. Your pout, used frequently, is so cute it melts me every time.
I can see the drama in you, and I love it so much. You are into every thing. You are full of life, exporing every nook and crany and under every thing you can turn over.
Happy Birthday, Connor Buddy. From the deepest part of our hearts. We love you.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Rough Day
Well, it seems that rough days DO still happen. Today was the roughest I remember in a long time. Both kids were Whiny all day. The only saving grace was that other than a few horrid moments, they were not whiny at the same time.
And I can't even eat for comfort. I started working out this morning again and I'll be damned if I am going to eat away all that work.
I can't wait to go to bed and bury my head.
And I can't even eat for comfort. I started working out this morning again and I'll be damned if I am going to eat away all that work.
I can't wait to go to bed and bury my head.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Snow and Fear
The two really don't have anything to do with each other, though...
First, we are going on day 6 of being "snowed in". On Friday of last week, Kelly worked from home due to the start of a monster snow storm that started Friday night and continued through Saturday. It dumped 24.5 inches of snow into our yard and much more (up to 40 inches) in other areas in the DC region. The Federal Government was shut down Monday and Tuesday as people continued the process of digging out. Last night, the snow started again - with a promised 8-12 inches of more new snow on the way. This would be a HUGE storm for this area alone, but combine it with the monstor storm just a few days ago and this region has just been completely crippled and consumed by it.
The problem is that this area just doesn't get this. I heard a very telling piece of news on TV last night - in the previous three winters the snowfall totals have been 10 inches, 7 inches and 5 inches TOTAL. That's 22 inches total in THREE winters. We've had much more than that just in the past 4 days. People are not capable of driving in the snow and ice. The plows are completely overwhelmed and the crews have been working for 6 days straight with no sign of stopping.
The worst of it is the basics. Kelly and I have been extremely proactive about digging out. We grew up in snow areas and understand that the window for digging out closes - the snow freezes. If you don't move the 2 feet of snow out of the way when it is still snow, you will regret it. And probably be stuck for a very long time. We have young kids. We don't want to be stuck.
The Federal Government is shut down again today. Day three. Hopefully it will be open tomorrow, but this snow isn't supposed to stop until tonight. So we'll see.
The "fear" part of my title? Well, that's because yesterday Connor fell down our very steep flight of stairs and landed on hardwood. Kelly and I have always hated the stairs in this house (Kelly more than me). They are very, very steep. It's just been in the last few months that we've allowed Bailey to go up and down them on her own and she's been walking for nearly 2 years.
Well, somehow the extremely strong gate we have installed at the top of the stairs got left open. Kelly thinks it was her; but honestly, I don't know how it happened and it doesn't matter. What I do know is that I was about to change Bailey's diaper when I heard the most panic sound coming from Kelly and what sounded like a sack of potatoes thunking it's way down the stairs. Kelly screamed "Honey, honey, oh God honey, he's falling down the stairs". I don't think either one of us has ever moved so fast in our life. I don't know how I got down the stairs, but I was at their side in an instant. When Kelly first saw Connor he was 4-5 steps down our 14-step staircase. He was rolling sideways (as opposed to end over end, thank god). It was a very, very fast roll. He landed on hardwood and immediately started trying to get up, just as if he had fallen down walking or something.
He cried, but only for about 5 minutes. He had no bumps on his head, no bruises. I moved every finger, every toe. I examined all of his body, moving all the joints and gently squeezing his body to check for places of pain. There was nothing. Other than fear, Connor came out of it unscathed.
We called our nurse help line and got a recommendation to take him to the ER just to be safe. We agreed - you can't be too careful with potential head injuries. And there is no way his head wasn't bonked around. The trip to the ER was relatively short and painless. They examined him and found him to be a lovely, playful, beautiful little boy unhurt from the fall. Since then, he's slept peacefully, waking on his usual schedule. All is good. Thank God.
Now...another snow day.
First, we are going on day 6 of being "snowed in". On Friday of last week, Kelly worked from home due to the start of a monster snow storm that started Friday night and continued through Saturday. It dumped 24.5 inches of snow into our yard and much more (up to 40 inches) in other areas in the DC region. The Federal Government was shut down Monday and Tuesday as people continued the process of digging out. Last night, the snow started again - with a promised 8-12 inches of more new snow on the way. This would be a HUGE storm for this area alone, but combine it with the monstor storm just a few days ago and this region has just been completely crippled and consumed by it.
The problem is that this area just doesn't get this. I heard a very telling piece of news on TV last night - in the previous three winters the snowfall totals have been 10 inches, 7 inches and 5 inches TOTAL. That's 22 inches total in THREE winters. We've had much more than that just in the past 4 days. People are not capable of driving in the snow and ice. The plows are completely overwhelmed and the crews have been working for 6 days straight with no sign of stopping.
The worst of it is the basics. Kelly and I have been extremely proactive about digging out. We grew up in snow areas and understand that the window for digging out closes - the snow freezes. If you don't move the 2 feet of snow out of the way when it is still snow, you will regret it. And probably be stuck for a very long time. We have young kids. We don't want to be stuck.
The Federal Government is shut down again today. Day three. Hopefully it will be open tomorrow, but this snow isn't supposed to stop until tonight. So we'll see.
The "fear" part of my title? Well, that's because yesterday Connor fell down our very steep flight of stairs and landed on hardwood. Kelly and I have always hated the stairs in this house (Kelly more than me). They are very, very steep. It's just been in the last few months that we've allowed Bailey to go up and down them on her own and she's been walking for nearly 2 years.
Well, somehow the extremely strong gate we have installed at the top of the stairs got left open. Kelly thinks it was her; but honestly, I don't know how it happened and it doesn't matter. What I do know is that I was about to change Bailey's diaper when I heard the most panic sound coming from Kelly and what sounded like a sack of potatoes thunking it's way down the stairs. Kelly screamed "Honey, honey, oh God honey, he's falling down the stairs". I don't think either one of us has ever moved so fast in our life. I don't know how I got down the stairs, but I was at their side in an instant. When Kelly first saw Connor he was 4-5 steps down our 14-step staircase. He was rolling sideways (as opposed to end over end, thank god). It was a very, very fast roll. He landed on hardwood and immediately started trying to get up, just as if he had fallen down walking or something.
He cried, but only for about 5 minutes. He had no bumps on his head, no bruises. I moved every finger, every toe. I examined all of his body, moving all the joints and gently squeezing his body to check for places of pain. There was nothing. Other than fear, Connor came out of it unscathed.
We called our nurse help line and got a recommendation to take him to the ER just to be safe. We agreed - you can't be too careful with potential head injuries. And there is no way his head wasn't bonked around. The trip to the ER was relatively short and painless. They examined him and found him to be a lovely, playful, beautiful little boy unhurt from the fall. Since then, he's slept peacefully, waking on his usual schedule. All is good. Thank God.
Now...another snow day.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Time
Turns out that while I have more time to blog, I have less internet access and don't actually get to blog much! LOL - oh well. I wouldn't change the lack of internet access - I am truly loving the "disconnect". Strange, huh?
We are well. Connor is sick and will be at the doctor's office today. He's been running a 103 degree fever for two days and his lungs seem very, very full of crud. He's been a miserable boy unless he's highly medicated with motrin and tylenol. It sucks, but it's pretty normal. I'm thinking that he's got some kind of broncitis stuff going on and will need medication. We'll see if my suspicions are right.
Bailey is lovely - she's kind of bored. We've had a record snowfall the last two days - 24.5 inches fell in our front yard...31 inches in the District. The Federal Government is shut down today, leaving us all home again. Bailey's art class is cancelled. But Mommy is home, so we're hopeful that we'll find something to get into. Bailey has been loving, loving, loving playing out in the snow. She adores it! She plays for a long time before she even starts to get cold and then it's a long time after that before she'll consent to come inside. Because of where we live, this is likely to be the only winter like this of her entire childhood...they just don't happen like this very often. We are letting her play as often as she wants. It's a rite of passage.
She's started dreaming...or rather, she's started articulating her dreams. Twice now she has woken up pissed off. The first time she was yelling because "Connor took my sandwich"! HA! Last night she woke up yelling because she wanted "her surprise". It's funny to me. I go in to comfort her and this is what I hear. It makes me laugh. And she seems so confused by it. Such a big-girl development!
Kelly is remodeling our master bathroom. So far, the walls have been painted and she is in the process of laying vinyl tile on the floors. We are in love with the changes!!!! The master bath has never been touched - the builders white paint was still there. And the flooring was tacky sheet linoleum. So, we're happy to be changing it up! It's a beautiful blue color...pictures when it's finished!
I think that's all for now...
We are well. Connor is sick and will be at the doctor's office today. He's been running a 103 degree fever for two days and his lungs seem very, very full of crud. He's been a miserable boy unless he's highly medicated with motrin and tylenol. It sucks, but it's pretty normal. I'm thinking that he's got some kind of broncitis stuff going on and will need medication. We'll see if my suspicions are right.
Bailey is lovely - she's kind of bored. We've had a record snowfall the last two days - 24.5 inches fell in our front yard...31 inches in the District. The Federal Government is shut down today, leaving us all home again. Bailey's art class is cancelled. But Mommy is home, so we're hopeful that we'll find something to get into. Bailey has been loving, loving, loving playing out in the snow. She adores it! She plays for a long time before she even starts to get cold and then it's a long time after that before she'll consent to come inside. Because of where we live, this is likely to be the only winter like this of her entire childhood...they just don't happen like this very often. We are letting her play as often as she wants. It's a rite of passage.
She's started dreaming...or rather, she's started articulating her dreams. Twice now she has woken up pissed off. The first time she was yelling because "Connor took my sandwich"! HA! Last night she woke up yelling because she wanted "her surprise". It's funny to me. I go in to comfort her and this is what I hear. It makes me laugh. And she seems so confused by it. Such a big-girl development!
Kelly is remodeling our master bathroom. So far, the walls have been painted and she is in the process of laying vinyl tile on the floors. We are in love with the changes!!!! The master bath has never been touched - the builders white paint was still there. And the flooring was tacky sheet linoleum. So, we're happy to be changing it up! It's a beautiful blue color...pictures when it's finished!
I think that's all for now...
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