Ba Bye

C has started talking regularly!  He says two words - Ba Bye and Ma Ma.  Both are done at the appropriate times, so we know that he knows what they mean.  The Ma Ma is directed at both of us - he hasn't yet distinguished. 

The Ba Bye is the cutest - and is usually accompanied by a hand wave.  He starts to say it as soon as his jacket is put on him. This morning, he said "ba bye" all the way out the door.  B was a bit confused about WHO he was saying it to, so she started saying goodbye to the house and the garage and so on.  Very funny...

C is now walking more than he is crawling.  He's still very unsteady, but he's getting faster and he generally prefers to walk.  Sometimes he crawls when he wants to get where he's going faster.  The mobility has created a bit of a problem for poor B.  The problem is that C adores her and where she is, C wants to be.  But B likes some alone time to decompress when school is done and C does his best to see that she doesn't get it.  He's all over her. 

We've had a couple incidents of aggression that we've had to stop immediately.  Poor B.  She's playing second fiddle right now to C and his leaps and bounds forward.  It's hard for her.  She's been our number 1 for so long.  We're working on it with her, but she's strugglign a bit. 

AHA!

It's funny how being a Mom gives me insights into my own Mom that I never had before.

I've always know how awesome it is to be a child and snuggle up on my Momma's breasts.  I love her smell, the feel of her arms, the way she rubbed my back.  All of it is pure safety and comfort to me.  And so when my children come running to my arms, I get it.  I am that comfort to them.

What I never understood, though, is how safe and comforting it feels to be the provider.  And how much love one person can feel in just a few seconds.  Or how empty my arms feel when they flit away.  I get that desire that my mother must have felt to hold us close and never let us go. 

Because I love the way they feel in my arms, the way thier hair smells, the warmth of thier skin and the little ways they touch me when we're hugging.  And I can't imagine ever letting them go.

Pending

We are all in limbo.  There is one week - 5 working days - left until I am a full-time, stay at home Momma to the kids.  They are feeling the strain of this last week and so am I. 

B seems to be so cranky every morning.  She crawls into my arms after I convince her to come out from under the warm covers and then the morning struggles from there.  I can't figure out if it is that I'm waking her at 5:30 AM and her responses are based on being tired or if it's because she knows that soon everything will be different? 

Whatever the reason, it's hard on both of us.

C is just sleep struggling right now.  Honestly, it's as if his 10 month old little boy self doesn't need sleep to function.  Ironically, I get this...cause I don't need much sleep to function.  But damn - he's supposed to.  And I need him to sleep better than he's sleeping now.  He's up between 2 and 4 times a night.  UGGGG.  Every time I just want to scream.  I hate it. 

The first thing I'm gonna do when I have some time at home with him is get him on a real schedule and see if that helps.  C is leaping forward in major ways right now - he is walking, he is eating real food, he is starting the process of weaning.  I wonder if all of this has just thrown him for a loop and he can't get it worked out.

But then, when he wakes up in the middle of the night, I don't really care "why"...all I care about is making it stop.  So, we'll see.

Mommy and I are counting down the days like seconds.  It feels like every morning is painful, every commute home is worse.  I just want to be done and focus inward.  I have a lot of work to do around here - some things have fallen to the wayside.  We've suffered, our home has suffered, our kitties need more attention.  Our life needs someone to come in and take charge of it again - put it all right.  And that is what I'm gonna do. 

I hope.  At least, that is what I am going to TRY to do...and the reality is that it will be less than perfect, but better than this insanity.

January 6.  A week.  5 working days. 

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, there was a blog called "Our Little Honey".  This blog was started when I was 5 weeks pregnant with our first child, a daughter.  The blog changed when my partner got pregnant to "Our Little and Littler Honey".  The blog was created for the purpose of documenting our child's life (and now our children's lives) with the eventual outcome being that we would give them the story when they are older.

It turned into more of a diary. 

As I am likely to do here, I analyze everything.  I don't like to just put somthing out there - I want to look at it, talk about it, roll it around until it is comfortable for me.  But that part of the story isn't always appropriate for our children.  See, I don't want or need them to know about the internal struggles or processes that I go through.  At least, not until they need to know about stuff like that. 

So, I am starting this blog.   My goal is to write at least once a day - but obviously there will be times when I am not able.  For now - Merry Christmas, everyone and welcome to my jungle.